Practically perfect sex
A practical guide to fulfilling your wildest fantasies
WHAT’S BETTER THAN fantasizing about sex? Actually living out those fantasies, of course. The following tips will help you realize your hottest, wettest sex dreams in the most practical ways possible.
Spanks and spunk
If I were a sex therapist, I’d force all my clients to watch the sexcellent 2002 film Secretary, starring Maggie Gyllenhaal, to truly understand the joys that a little sado-masochism can bring to a relationship (I promise you’ll rewind the spanking scene at least once). If you’re already daydreaming about ball-gags and leather, though, start researching safe BDSM—an acronym that simultaneously refers to bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. Most local sex shops (see p. 7 of the supplement) carry at least a starter-kit’s worth of gear, and staff are usually more than happy to advise you on its use. As for finding a partner willing to dominate or be dominated by you, hopefully you’re lucky enough to have an existing partner keen to go the distance for your nookie needs. If not, ask and surf around for reputable professionals (not your everyday working girls and boys over the bridge in Vanier, please). Most importantly, come up with a safe word—something unrelated to sex that will stand out, like “Caesar salad!” or “Lampshade!” (No, seriously.)
Three (or more) is company
The trick to getting down in a group or having a threesome is all about diplomacy. You don’t want to offend a potential partner by being too bold and requesting their sexy presence out of the blue, but you also don’t want to forfeit a fantastic opportunity out of shyness. The best and least awkward team matings are often those that happen spontaneously with people you already know, trust, and respect. And, as shallow as it sounds, the best catalysts are often a few glasses of liquid courage and a round or two of “Never Have I Ever.” While doing it with acquaintances can be risky for your morning-after relationship, turning to Craigslist for your heavy-petting partner(s) is never a good idea. Try to find partners whom you know casually, so that you have less to lose if the bangery ends awkwardly. And be sure to use condoms—a fresh one for each time you switch partners or glory holes.
Fit for public viewing
Lots of people fantasize about being on the passive side of voyeurism, but still more want to be the ones providing the show. Please don’t test the limits of this country’s public-exposure laws, though—the best and most legal ways to fulfill this fantasy are within the relative privacy of your own home. If you live in a high-rise, turn on the lights, then get down, dirty, and de-clothed in front of the window at night. If that’s not an option, fire up your webcam and start streaming the screwing to infinite numbers of horny viewers. If you’re worried about privacy, position the camera so that your faces don’t show, or wear some shades. Be warned that this method still carries with it the risk that the footage will fall into the wrong hands, so decide whether that’s a risk you’re comfortable with. You can also combine this fantasy with the one above; if all parties are comfortable, take turns being the viewers and the viewed. The goal here is to create that authentic feeling of being watched or the possibility of getting caught—without actually breaking the law. Besides, last year’s renos to the sixth floor of Morisset Library have made it damn near impossible to get any privacy in amongst the dusty tomes on campus.
