Dear Di...
Dear Di,
I am a bicycle enthusiast and have been for many years. This summer, on a family trip, I found myself alone riding my bicycle down a dark, deserted tunnel in France. Something came over me and whilst I rode my bike down this tunnel I stood up, and used my hands for something other than riding (if you know what I mean). I found the experience so sexually stimulating that I have incorporated it into my daily routine bike ride (you’d be surprised how easy it is to find an empty street in Ottawa before 6 a.m.). This “daily exercise” increased my sex drive enormously. However, the winter has prevented my morning rides, which has left me sexually crippled. I have found it nearly impossible to “get it up” without this ride. I can’t do what I normally do at the gym, nor do I have the room for an exercise bike in my apartment. I don’t want to lose my girlfriend but I don’t want to get banned from the gym either... Is there any way of redirecting this urge in a way that will let me keep both?
—The Sexy Cyclist
Dear TSC,
Peculiar masturbatory habits are more common than you might think. The trouble only arises when the particulars of these habits are so specific that they prevent sexual satisfaction in any other context. The damage is psychological: your body gets into a routine that, when broken, confuses your member into thinking the circumstances aren’t right for boning up. To undo this damage, you need to whack off —without a bike. Jerk it in your bed and in the shower, lying down and standing up, with your left hand and your right, and in any other way you can think of. Just tug it, and tug it oft en. This will train your rod to get hard in a variety of settings, while helping reassure you that your disco stick is erect and well. It’s all about restoring confi dence in you and your cock, and reminding your member that other things turn it on besides raunchy bike rides. Don’t expect your boner to behave without a lot of patience, though; the “retraining” process could take weeks, so be persistent. In the meantime, focus on satisfying your lady in other ways—chances are she won’t say no to marathon muffin-munching sessions. Also try using the exercise bike at the gym to work out, then rubbing one out once you’re in the safety (and legality) of your own home. The bike ride will no doubt turn you on, but allowing yourself to beat it only aft er you’re out of the gym will help dissociate bicycling from boners. Good luck!
Love, Di
Dear Di,
I saw the article you tweeted about 43 per cent of people preferring bacon to sex, and it really hit home. My boyfriend is definitely part of that statistic: on more than one occasion, he’s been too distracted by the bacon he was nomming to acknowledge my advances. How do I get him to choose the poke over the pork?
—Sexy Squealer
Dear SS,
I’m assuming you’re referring to the Feb. 26 Montreal Gazette article “Ohhhhh, bacon’s better than sex” I tweeted last week, which noted the statistic in question and discussed Canadians’ rather extreme affinity for the salty meat treat. So while your boyfriend’s preference is no surprise, it’s still a little worrisome. I’m going to guess there are more serious underlying issues in your relationship than the bacon/boning dilemma. Does your man refuse sex even when he’s not chowing down? Are you two frequently on different wavelengths when it comes to other relationship issues? Look, SS, all the bacon in the world couldn’t satisfy a man’s appetite for hot, steamy sex, no matter what any poll might say—unless there’s a fundamental problem with the relationship between the advancer and the advancee. Take a good, hard look at your relationship, SS, and ask yourself if it’s worth saving the bacon.
Love, Di
If you have a question for Di, email deardi@thefulcrum.ca.
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