Humour

Capital Skies hopes to provide relief for commuters stuck in traffic Photo: CC-Perry Hiemer Are you tired of waiting in massive traffic jams caused by Ottawa’s never ending construction? A new company called Capital Skies is trying to make those waits a thing of the past. For a modest fee of $90, the company will pick …

Ottawa divided on new employment issue Illustration: Marta Kierkus A recently surfaced video showing a rat dragging a piece of pizza down a set of stairs on a New York City subway platform has ignited a new debate in the animal rights movement. Activists are demanding for the right to work to apply to rats too, …

Stop the Student Vote points to current political calm Photo: Kim Wiens “Presumably, most of you reading this will not be voting in the upcoming election,” said chapter president Jane Smith. “To anyone that plans to partake in this redundant process, let me enlighten you as to why voting isn’t worth your time.” Smith cited time …

Over the last couple of months, nationwide sales of “reverse” yoga pants have reached an all-time high. While they possess the same sporty quality of traditional athletic leggings, these new yoga pants are designed to make the wearer’s butt look as flat as possible.

In addition to putting a ban on age-inappropriate roles, from now on, actors will be required by law to take on roles that closely correspond to their gender, socioeconomic status, sexuality, and temporal designation.

According to the Fart-Free Ontario Act, anyone caught passing gas outside their own private residence—at restaurants, bar patios, playgrounds, sports fields, or inside any non-domestic building—will be subject to hefty fines and public shaming by local law enforcement

An Interpol investigation has led to the arrest of the figure known as Santa Claus, who is now facing charges related to iden-tity fraud, among others.

After multiple incidences of students confusing the Faculty of Social Sciences (FSS) building with the restaurant Father and Sons (popularly known as F&S), the Coalition of Frustrated Students (CFS) has formed to advocate for a name change.

Recently, Sanrio, the company that manufactures Hello Kitty products, asserted that Hello Kitty is in fact a little girl, not a cat. This announcement has led to a wider discussion about the significance of Hello Kitty in our pop culture zeitgeist.

This year’s festivities have brought about controversy, as on-campus beard aficionados are butting heads with the U of O chapter of the United Pogonophobes Alliance (UPA). Pogonophobia is the scientific term for an extreme fear or hatred of beards. The UPA believes the Movember crowd is infringing upon the civil rights of local pogonophobes.

“Before all else, we took the interests and well-being of our students into consideration while discussing the renovation plans,” said Robert Builder, president of the Office of Risk Management at the U of O. “Could we have broken ground in May when most students weren’t on campus? Absolutely, but that wouldn’t have made any sense.”

Equipped with state-of-the-art swivel chairs and projector screens, the building will be like no other arts building on campus. Students will even have access to their own electrical outlets, meaning they will no longer need to bring extension cords to class to use their laptops.

I can’t help but shake my head at the hundreds of people who waited in the sweltering heat outside of St. Mary’s Hospital to catch a first glance at a prince who will never be able to levy a tax, form a government, or declare a state of war.

This summer I’m saying fuck it to slaving away and missing all the fun. If I want to take the full 12 days of Bluesfest off, I’m doin’ it.

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