The Tomato: Cooties outbreak grips Ottawa area

Panic has gripped Ottawa elementary school students this week after third grade class president Kyle Tompkins addressed his peers across the city regarding reports that several students are being treated for a potential case of cooties.

U of O expands to new campuses across city

“We finally saw things as clearly as the residents of Sandy Hill,” said Stone. “Of course it makes more sense to demand our students travel across the city for classes, rather than expand to Sandy Hill. Those residents who campaigned against our residence proposal were there first. So even though they represent a small portion of the area’s population, I believe the golden rule has to apply: finders keepers, losers move to Kanata.”

Sixth Pillar Society strikes again

The society’s crown jewel is the Jock Turcot University Centre’s Alumni Auditorium. According to the notes of former member Pierre Elliott Trudeau, the goals were to design “the least enjoyable place to have a lecture or special presentation” and ensure that all students who utilized it “would surely need to see a chiropractor afterwards.”

World leaders set to tango

Due to diplomatic tensions, Poutine auditioned via Skype from Moscow, where he suddenly hopped onto the screen looking unrecognizable. Poutine wore bright makeup covering his lips, cheeks, and eyes, a curly wig with blonde highlights, and sequins that shimmered as he executed a series of complex gyrations and twirls