U of O solves low student satisfaction with fossil fuels

It appears that students are already buzzing with excitement following the implementation of fossil fuels around the U of O. Travanna Sawde, a fifth-year student at the Telfer School of Management told the Tomato, “With all these lights on, I’m finally able to find more study spaces around campus!”

U of O content with students’ dissatisfaction

To keep students unhappy, the administration has planned a series of ways to make U of O even more unbearable. Some of the proposed suggestions include eliminating the U-Pass, cancelling all snow removal policies, and beginning coal mining around campus.

Extreme weather forces unusual transportation in Ottawa

In light of recent extreme weather, it is strongly recommended that students keep the following on hand: waterproof bags, rainwear, a canoe or kayak, an emergency generator, at least one week’s worth of non-perishable food, and a collection of inflatable toys that can be lashed together.

Campus changes after reading week perplex students

It started off with one student who returned to find an unusually large pile of dirty dishes in the sink. Other students have noticed that their furniture has been moved, some have reported their beds being shifted across the room or that a pile of clothes they left in the corner has disappeared.

Fights break out between skeletons, zombies, elves

Officials are working on mediating the conflict between the two sides, with City of Ottawa mayor Jim Watson sitting down with the leader of the Halloween decorations, Jack Skellington, and the mysterious leader of the Christmas decorations, known for wearing a red suit. Peace talks are scheduled to begin next week at city hall.

Midterm plague spreads across U of O campus

Students may appear to not be affected, but this virus can be deceiving, so take the utmost caution when leaving your apartments and visiting the other students. It is imperative that this virus is stopped and affected students are cleansed of the effects of this epidemic. Be safe, everyone, and be sure to protect yourself.