“I’m so excited to learn everything about this important issue. I haven’t been able to find a job for nearly three years and now I understand why.”—Colleen McCafferty, third-year political science student.
The head of the Weather Network, Mateo Rologist, could not be reached for comment. Sources say he’s been rocking slowly back and forth for the past week whispering “they’ve broken it.”
With the debate over electoral reform still raging, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau—henceforth retitled “Glorious and Eternal Leader of Canada”—quietly passed legislation on Monday, ending all subsequent elections.
“Statistically, a huge number of violent deaths in the U.S. are caused by white males, and if there’s one thing this administration lives by it’s facts and figures.”—Sean Spicer, White House press secretary.
“This is way cooler than what I learned in high school. I loved the part where Sir John A. MacDonald fought off four dragons using only a rusty blunderbuss and a 60-year-old bottle of scotch.”—Sheryl Watts, a first-year alternative Canadian history major.
Many Anglophones were left asking their bilingual companions “qaStaH nuq?” as the PM droned on about pot legalization and his latest scuffle with Starfleet High Command.
“Luckily, the SFUO seems to be prepared for this. Their website is so dense and impenetrable that no hacker will be able to get access to any sensitive information.”—Michel Ghost, U of O cybersecurity expert.