U of O expands to new campuses across city

“We finally saw things as clearly as the residents of Sandy Hill,” said Stone. “Of course it makes more sense to demand our students travel across the city for classes, rather than expand to Sandy Hill. Those residents who campaigned against our residence proposal were there first. So even though they represent a small portion of the area’s population, I believe the golden rule has to apply: finders keepers, losers move to Kanata.”

Sixth Pillar Society strikes again

The society’s crown jewel is the Jock Turcot University Centre’s Alumni Auditorium. According to the notes of former member Pierre Elliott Trudeau, the goals were to design “the least enjoyable place to have a lecture or special presentation” and ensure that all students who utilized it “would surely need to see a chiropractor afterwards.”

World leaders set to tango

Due to diplomatic tensions, Poutine auditioned via Skype from Moscow, where he suddenly hopped onto the screen looking unrecognizable. Poutine wore bright makeup covering his lips, cheeks, and eyes, a curly wig with blonde highlights, and sequins that shimmered as he executed a series of complex gyrations and twirls

Exposing the sixth pillar’s secret

Inside were the blueprints that detailed the secret clubhouse built in the sixth pillar that has housed some of the most elite and famous members of Canada’s past. We found photos of Sir John A. Macdonald, Sir Wilfrid Laurier, Frederick Banting, Alex Trebek, Steve Nash, Keanu Reeves, Drake, and Ben Mulroney all within the mysterious pillar — although to be fair there were reports that both Reeves and Mulroney had snuck their way in.

Hidden camera reveals tortured tomatoes

The shocking video shows employees spraying water at tomato plants tied to stakes, a method of water torture condemned by the international community. It also shows tomatoes being poked, prodded, and finally plucked from their vines.

Anne of Green Gables gets 21st century treatment

The new novel, titled Dan of the Dumps, looks into the life of Daniel Chester, one of Anne’s great-grandchildren who survived the recession of the late 1980s and started selling nickel stocks in magazine and book clubs.

Pollution free-for-all

There are mass protests planned in many Canadian cities to bring attention to what environmentalists believe to be pure stupidity on the part of the government, though all of the protests north of Toronto have been cancelled due to ferociously cold temperatures.