The Tomato: Provincial government increases funding for university

“Well, we’re paid to make good policy, and I’m happy to say we’re finally earning our salaries,” said Flipflop. “We did the math and realized that the average debt for a student with public and private loans has increased 460 per cent over the past 15 years. We asked ourselves, who is going to pay for boomers’ health care in 15 years?”

The Tomato: No more bail for Chris Brown

Singer and actress Paris Hilton is outraged because she had to spend 23 days in prison for drunk driving, while celebrities like Brown and Charlie Sheen are getting off with equal or lesser sentences than her own.

The Tomato: Child beauty pageant ban causes protests

Despite all this public outrage, the proposed ban still has to be voted through the lower house of French Parliament before it is passed. This gives mothers like Rogers and sex criminals like Danielson sufficient time to team up and launch an ideological counter offensive to make sure that events like pre-school swimwear contests remain perfectly legal on this side of the Atlantic.

The Tomato: Bus route opens exclusively for inconsiderate assholes

Priority seating on the new routes will be given to shopping bags and backpacks, with aisles and doorways reserved for groups of people who don’t like to move. In addition, the 455 will use specially engineered buses, that will amplify the sounds of loud phone conversations and unpleasant bodily functions.

The Tomato: Greening our campus

It’s so great to see the administration actually doing something about making learning a more positive and environmentally responsible experience. No one is just idly sitting by bragging about a green wall in one building alone, or comforting themselves that the campus was ranked as the most sustainable in Canada.