The Tomato: Government bans sarcasm

Just last month, Prime Minister Stevie Harper revealed he was duped by the comments of an attractive young journalist working for the Ottawa Denizen who described his helmet hair as “particularly fetching and stylish when seen next to Trudeau’s ridiculous curly locks.”

The Tomato: Wal-Mart goes bankrupt

“The line-ups for returns were insane,” said Savage. “I had to rip a 10-year-old’s braid off just to make it into the line. People were punching, scratching, pushing, and slapping to make sure they got all their money back and to make sure our kids learn the true meaning of Thanksgiving.”

The Tomato: Provincial government increases funding for university

“Well, we’re paid to make good policy, and I’m happy to say we’re finally earning our salaries,” said Flipflop. “We did the math and realized that the average debt for a student with public and private loans has increased 460 per cent over the past 15 years. We asked ourselves, who is going to pay for boomers’ health care in 15 years?”

The Tomato: No more bail for Chris Brown

Singer and actress Paris Hilton is outraged because she had to spend 23 days in prison for drunk driving, while celebrities like Brown and Charlie Sheen are getting off with equal or lesser sentences than her own.