The Tomato: Coffee deemed conclusively neutral

“The sensationalism found in today’s media renders it tough to discern which foods are contributing positively to our collective health and which will likely put us in the ground,” said Roast. “That being said, I’m honoured to be one of the few who are admittedly contributing in a neutral way.”

The Tomato: U of O unveils Smartass program

“I’m just really excited to be at an institution of learning that understands that I’m different from everyone else,” said Runt. “It’s been hard to deal with professors who dismiss my breadth of knowledge just because I only have a basic understanding of everything I claim I’ve read.”

The Tomato: Crime runs free in Ottawa

Presently, the OPS has released a public service announcement on the subject of frexting that will circulate across Ottawa throughout the fall. The advertisement promotes the use of Bluetooth technology while parkouring. It is hoped that this method—entitled hands-free running—will reduce the number of parkouring-related collisions and make the sidewalks safe again.

The Tomato: A village stuck in the past

“My family will always be grateful to this country and town for entrenching the beliefs of religious tolerance and multiculturalism into fundamental rights for citizens,” said Jaameh. “It’s too bad Quebec didn’t agree to do the same.”

The Tomato: NFL embraces racism

The new team names will take effect immediately. Among other changes, the New England Patriots will now be referred to as the Dirty Micks, the New York Giants will be changed to the Cheap Jews, and the Miami Dolphins will be renamed the Blackskins.

The Tomato: Putin on the ritz

“Putin’s lack of comfort with his own sexuality is a far deeper cause of concern than any anti-proactive cold war mentality in Russia at this moment. I think we need Dr. Phil,” said Obama.

The Tomato: Hipsters invade the U of O

It all happened so fast. One minute I was with my friends enjoying a nice burger from the cafeteria, and then suddenly everyone had been transformed into sarcastically dressed monsters eating quinoa from Tupperware