“The sensationalism found in today’s media renders it tough to discern which foods are contributing positively to our collective health and which will likely put us in the ground,” said Roast. “That being said, I’m honoured to be one of the few who are admittedly contributing in a neutral way.”
“I’m just really excited to be at an institution of learning that understands that I’m different from everyone else,” said Runt. “It’s been hard to deal with professors who dismiss my breadth of knowledge just because I only have a basic understanding of everything I claim I’ve read.”
Presently, the OPS has released a public service announcement on the subject of frexting that will circulate across Ottawa throughout the fall. The advertisement promotes the use of Bluetooth technology while parkouring. It is hoped that this method—entitled hands-free running—will reduce the number of parkouring-related collisions and make the sidewalks safe again.
It has become clear that, since Higgins was wearing an expensive suit and displaying silver jewellery, he was asking to be mugged. After all, it was 1 a.m.—he should have known the importance of dressing modestly to avoid that kind of attention.