The Tomato: Child beauty pageant ban causes protests

Despite all this public outrage, the proposed ban still has to be voted through the lower house of French Parliament before it is passed. This gives mothers like Rogers and sex criminals like Danielson sufficient time to team up and launch an ideological counter offensive to make sure that events like pre-school swimwear contests remain perfectly legal on this side of the Atlantic.

The Tomato: Bus route opens exclusively for inconsiderate assholes

Priority seating on the new routes will be given to shopping bags and backpacks, with aisles and doorways reserved for groups of people who don’t like to move. In addition, the 455 will use specially engineered buses, that will amplify the sounds of loud phone conversations and unpleasant bodily functions.

The Tomato: Greening our campus

It’s so great to see the administration actually doing something about making learning a more positive and environmentally responsible experience. No one is just idly sitting by bragging about a green wall in one building alone, or comforting themselves that the campus was ranked as the most sustainable in Canada.

The Tomato: Nobel Peace Prize announces nominations

This announcement has caused young fans of Hannah Montana to adopt Cyrus’ new fashion sense, mothers to burn all Hannah Montana merchandise, men to question if they like that sort of thing or not, and feminists to critique the fact that we judge Cyrus for twerking on the trophy but not the trophy for using Cyrus.

The Tomato: Coffee deemed conclusively neutral

“The sensationalism found in today’s media renders it tough to discern which foods are contributing positively to our collective health and which will likely put us in the ground,” said Roast. “That being said, I’m honoured to be one of the few who are admittedly contributing in a neutral way.”

The Tomato: U of O unveils Smartass program

“I’m just really excited to be at an institution of learning that understands that I’m different from everyone else,” said Runt. “It’s been hard to deal with professors who dismiss my breadth of knowledge just because I only have a basic understanding of everything I claim I’ve read.”

The Tomato: Crime runs free in Ottawa

Presently, the OPS has released a public service announcement on the subject of frexting that will circulate across Ottawa throughout the fall. The advertisement promotes the use of Bluetooth technology while parkouring. It is hoped that this method—entitled hands-free running—will reduce the number of parkouring-related collisions and make the sidewalks safe again.

The Tomato: A village stuck in the past

“My family will always be grateful to this country and town for entrenching the beliefs of religious tolerance and multiculturalism into fundamental rights for citizens,” said Jaameh. “It’s too bad Quebec didn’t agree to do the same.”