The Tomato: Crime runs free in Ottawa

Presently, the OPS has released a public service announcement on the subject of frexting that will circulate across Ottawa throughout the fall. The advertisement promotes the use of Bluetooth technology while parkouring. It is hoped that this method—entitled hands-free running—will reduce the number of parkouring-related collisions and make the sidewalks safe again.

The Tomato: A village stuck in the past

“My family will always be grateful to this country and town for entrenching the beliefs of religious tolerance and multiculturalism into fundamental rights for citizens,” said Jaameh. “It’s too bad Quebec didn’t agree to do the same.”

The Tomato: NFL embraces racism

The new team names will take effect immediately. Among other changes, the New England Patriots will now be referred to as the Dirty Micks, the New York Giants will be changed to the Cheap Jews, and the Miami Dolphins will be renamed the Blackskins.

The Tomato: Putin on the ritz

“Putin’s lack of comfort with his own sexuality is a far deeper cause of concern than any anti-proactive cold war mentality in Russia at this moment. I think we need Dr. Phil,” said Obama.

The Tomato: Hipsters invade the U of O

It all happened so fast. One minute I was with my friends enjoying a nice burger from the cafeteria, and then suddenly everyone had been transformed into sarcastically dressed monsters eating quinoa from Tupperware

The Tomato: Faculty of arts gains recognition

Equipped with state-of-the-art swivel chairs and projector screens, the building will be like no other arts building on campus. Students will even have access to their own electrical outlets, meaning they will no longer need to bring extension cords to class to use their laptops.

The Tomato: A modest proposal for ‘one pissed off mother’

Mr. Swift’s proposed policy would make sure that future generations are free from past hindrances caused by such suspected autistic people as Beethoven, Mozart, Dickenson, Yeats, Einstein, Darwin, and Isaac Newton—all of whom contributed very little to the world, but who must have bothered people like this one pissed off mother with the “noise polluting whaling” they made.