Top five worst backhanded compliments
1. “You’re so brave. I would never have the guts to try such a unique hairstyle.”
Cue to you buying fourteen different hats to hide your “unique” hair under until it grows out.
2. “You’re so smart to go to the library on a Friday night when everybody else is out with friends.”
The Morisset Library stays open until 2 a.m., so it’s kind of like a club… Right?
3. “I admire your persistence. I would have given up on that guy ages ago.”
Now you can add “hopelessly desperate” to the list of reasons why you’re never getting married.
4. “You must get really good grades—it looks like you never get any sleep!”
University students are supposed to look like the walking dead… Aren’t they?
5. “I save so much money dating you. My last boyfriend was too big to use the free condoms they give out at the clinic.”
Top five most overused memes
I can haz a break from these phonetically-challenged felines, please?
What are you so upset about? Lighten up dude.
3. What I do…
We get it, no one understand your job. That’s the downside of taking a degree in biomechanical chemical engineering and making friends with only arts majors.
What, like you’ve never slipped and fallen while trying to jump from your roof to your trampoline and complete a slam dunk on the way? Accidents happen.
5. Sketchy bunnies
They’re not funny, they’re just creepy. Keep them off my internets.
Top five most disappointing things to find in your pillow case on Halloween
Living near a dentist is no treat come Oct. 31.
Lugging these commodious cans around all night bites the big one… And we’re not talking candy bars.
3. Jehovah’s Witness pamphlets
The one night a year these door-to-door prophets get to be on the other side of the equation.
Even if you’re into this sugary fruit, the legend of the razor blade in the apple core keeps you from digging in.
Wrong holiday, Dad.
The 10 keys to humanity’s survival as a species
1. Lawn darts, cigarettes, and airbag-less cars
For a short while there we almost had natural selection and population control figured out.
2. An elongated middle finger
This has provided humans with countless hours of entertainment other creatures are incapable of accessing, like yo-yos, mood rings, and most recently, high scores in Fruit Ninja.
3. A curved instep
The top of my foot just so happens to perfectly fit the shape of your ass. Coincidence? Nope, and stay out!
4. Domesticated dogs
Man’s best friend. See number nine for my thoughts on cats.
5. An aggressive middle finger
How else do we request that another human relocate and/or end their existence when they aren’t within earshot?
If I wasn’t able to tell you how much of an insufferable twit you are, I’m not sure we’d make it through the day.
More evidence that people like you are, in fact, insufferable twits. See, it’s all right there on page 172.
Six months in one place. That’s really all I want. No, I will not follow the bison herd any longer!
9. Opposable thumbs
Take your thumb and touch it to your pinky. See that? Next time your cat gives you some smug look, remind it that thumbs let you grip shovels, and shovels are good for digging things—like graves.
Go ahead, argue with me. I’m damn near intolerable without a sound eight hours, and I know the same goes for a lot of you.
The top five best never-ending games
The ultimate marathon pastime, most gamers are unable to complete a full session of this real estate board game.
2. Dungeons and Dragons
You’ll spend so much time figuring out how to play this game that you’ll barely even get to start.
War takes time. Enough said.
4. Humans vs. Zombies
This game is so ornate it takes a month to complete.
5. Crazy Eight Countdown
There are just too many cards in a deck to finish this game.
Top 10 pretentious things hipsters say
1. “I knew about that band before it was popular.”
2. “I’m so upset. I left my messenger bag at a café downtown and all my Rick Moody books were in it.”
3. “I bike everywhere. It’s better for the environment.”
4. ”Is this organic?”
5. “No, I don’t own a TV.”
6. “I’m nearsighted and need these glasses.”
7. “What do you mean, you’re not on Tumblr?”
8. “Let’s get some fair-trade coffee at the café next to the second-hand bookstore.”
9. “Indie bands are becoming so mainstream—it’s tragic.”
10. “I would never go to Urban Outfitters. I only shop at Value Village and the Salvation Army.”
Top five reasons to go to the Rideau Centre
1. Life gets hard. Sometimes you need a dark space to hide in
Right, pre-teen mall rats?
2. To get to the other side
When it’s cold, wet, and windy outside and you want to stay relatively dry and warm while walking to Chapters, why not head through the mall?
3. The rooftop garden is nice
Enjoy a bird’s eye view of the traffic on Rideau Street while sitting amongst the nicely groomed trees, bushes, and flowers. Strangely enough, you’ll also see rabbits on the roof—yes, you read that right.
4. You’ve run out of food and need to eat something cheap
Although there is a McDonald’s down the street, the Rideau Centre’s food court is the place to be if you live downtown and are craving subs, burgers, Chinese, Thai, or Italian.
5. Your Apple product stopped working
Your expensive MacBook won’t turn on and you’ve got a 25-page term paper due by the end of the week. Not a fan of the telephone or online support? Welcome to the only Apple store around for 173 kilometres.
Top five craziest city names
1. Fucking, Austria
Fucking has a population of 104 people and was named after a sixth-century nobleman called Focko. Along with its eyebrow-raising name, the town also boasts one of the world’s most frequently stolen street signs.
2. Dildo, Newfoundland, Canada
Canada’s own Dildo has caused quite a stir on the Atlantic coast. Despite numerous campaigns for a name change, the people of Dildo have decided to stay loyal to their town’s original moniker.
3. Boring, OR, U.S.
Named after William H. Boring, a Civil War veteran, Boring, OR is commonly referred to as “the most exciting place to live” by natives.
4. Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, Wales
Nicknamed Llanfair, this town has a population of 3,040 people and proudly boasts one of the longest city names in the world.
5. Effin, Ireland
Effin isn’t Fucking’s sister city, but it very well could be. The Irish town, which is found in County Limerick, was, ironically enough, named after a saint.
Top five most repulsive pet names people have for their significant others
You make WHAT out of WHAT?! That’s not cute, it’s grotesque.
Sounds more like something my mom should say than a name for a lover.
Unless you’re married and in your mid-forties, this pet name is too aged for you.
Enough with the baked goods already.
5. Petit péte
It may be a common French Canadian term of affection, but calling someone a “little fart” just isn’t endearing.
Top five things I miss from my childhood
1. Art Attack
As I kid, I loved crafting—I once cut my bangs and added them to a project, such was my dedication. And what kid didn’t try making PVA glue with a glue stick and water?
2. Nap time
Um, seriously, University of Ottawa? After a three-hour lecture, you’re not giving me a blankie and mini carton of milk?
In the late ‘90s, nothing said Friday night like ABC’s family-friendly marathon. Featuring gems like Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Boy Meets World, TGIF taught us all important lessons. We learned having super powers can be problematic and marrying your high-school sweetheart is a great idea.
4. Stirrup pants
Matching purple pants and a purple sweater may have made me look like an over-sized eggplant, but elastic foot straps on my pants totally saved the outfit.
At least when I was a kid, taking out the trash meant an extra couple loonies in my pocket.
Top five odd but delicious food combinations
1. Do you love Thai food but you’re too broke to buy it? Try this Pad Thai knock-off: Combine crunchy peanut butter and Sriracha hot sauce for a strange but delicious combo.
2. Poutine is a quintessential Ottawan delicacy: Fries, cheese, gravy. Right? Wrong. Add colour to your dish with a squirt of mustard—I recommend using French’s for authenticity.
3. This combination is a late-night staple. The next time you stumble into House of Georgie’s at 2 a.m., try the gravy pizza. Be forewarned: You might wake up in a pool of grease and self-loathing.
4. Pickles have long been the basis of pregnant women’s craving, yet many without child also crave the crunch of a gherkin slathered with Kraft peanut butter. Extra points if you eat it at 3 a.m. following a giant bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream.
5. Want to make a kid’s birthday? Empty a bottle of Ranch dressing on their chocolate cake. No, seriously—it might sound strange, but many swear by this mix of dinner and dessert.
Top five best things about being a U of O student
1. Student deals
From cheap movies to free giveaways, sometimes it pays to be a student.
2. Tabaret Hall
The crawling vines add character to our already picturesque campus.
3. The location of the school
Easy access to major bus lines, the canal, the ByWard Market, and the Parliament buildings. What’s not to love?
4. Grade A professors
No, this isn’t sucking up—our university boasts some truly great professors.
Not many other universities across Canada have bragging rights there.
Top five worst things about being a U of O student
1. Large class sizes
Cramming 65 students into a classroom made for 45 never helped anyone.
2. Long lines
I’m thinking about the U-Pass, the bookstore, and Tim Horton’s.
3. Rabaska and uoZone
Sorry, temporarily down. Enough said.
4. Overpriced food
This applies to all the cafeterias on campus—can a student not eat lunch for less than $12?
It costs big bucks to be a student. If only our tuition included a meal plan and printing card!
Top five mundane things we worry about on a daily basis
1. Declined debit cards
Broke, caffeine-addicted university students all know the fear their debit card will be declined at the coffee shop.
2. The bus system
“OC Transpo, you are the bane of my existence!” How often do you worry your bus will be early, late, or won’t appear at all? Every day? Thought so.
3. Activist causes
Who doesn’t worry about being bombarded by another poorly thought-out activist cause put on by the SFUO?
4. “We’re all out of pepperoni.”
If you eat at the caf regularly, surely you’ve worried the Pizza Pizza will be out of pepperoni pizza slices.
5. Being called on in class
We all live in fear a prof will ask us a direct question about a reading we didn’t complete.
Top five most annoying things people post on Facebook
1. Sneaky insults toward frenemies
Personally, I’d prefer to see a little more blatant honesty on Facebook.
2. “OMG, I’m so happy! Two weeks, baby! Love you forever!”
Do I really need to explain this one?
3. Game requests
There’s no point in telling me how well you did pretending to be a member of the Mafia, because—quite frankly—I don’t care.
4. Taking pictures of yourself in the mirror
This goes for both the sexes: Mirror pictures are not sexy. They’re desperate.
5. Posting depressing statuses about how much your life sucks
I go on Facebook to distract me from life—please don’t fill my home page with your whiny shit.
Top five craziest things witnessed on Rideau Street
1. Canada Day celebrations
Being in the nation’s capital on our country’s big day is an amazing experience. There’s nothing like seeing our main street awash in red and white.
2. Murders galore
Rideau Street saw three stabbings in two months this year, two of which ended in fatalities. Seeing the street blocked off with police tape is not exactly novel for area residents.
3. The Mona Lisa
Ottawa is home to at least one chalk artist whose talent is of Da Vinci proportions. This face of the Italian artist’s famed painting has been seen on Ottawa streets as much as it has been in the Louvre.
4. Fresh maple taffy
Come snowy season, this winter treat is often handed out to the hordes of people shopping on Rideau Street.
5. Extreme sports competitions
Though rare, Rideau Street has been known to host BMX and skateboard challenges that close the street to traffic.
Top five things we love most about Ottawa
1. The ByWard Market
The perfect mix of old Ottawa and new city shopping, this pedestrian heaven in the heart of the city is the place to be all year long.
2. Our sprawling trails
Head toward any Ottawa suburb and you’ll be sure to find National Capital Commission trails galore. The trails are truly the best way to enjoy Ottawa’s wildlife.
As any student from outside Ottawa can attest to, there is just no place for the garlic goods like our lovely little city.
4. A big piece of the political pie
If politics, current affairs, public policy, or bureaucracy are what get you going, this is the city for you.
5. The people
Full of colourful characters, snarky shop workers, and pleasantly polite people, Ottawa has a healthy mix of inhabitants that make the place feel, well, human.
Top five most unreliable OC Transpo Routes
1. The 5
Going in either direction, you can always count on the 5 to be early or late, but never on time.
2. The 14
This route is OK heading toward Carlington, but going in the other direction is a nightmare. I once witnessed the driver run over a pedestrian when turning a corner.
3. The 101
The 101 often has routes cancelled in the morning, leaving would-be riders waiting half an hour for the next bus. Worst of all? The 101 doesn’t run on Sundays.
4. The 12
Although the 12 runs too frequently for timing to be an issue, it’s always packed with the most eccentric and odourous of people.
5. The 2
This route may not be overly unreliable, but is definitely a contender for the “sketchiest bus route” award.
Top five celebrities who need to go away
1. One Direction
Boy bands went out of style for a reason.
2. Peyton Manning
He’s been in the news non-stop lately and we’re sick of it.
3. The cast of Twilight
Annoying movie. Annoying actors. Please get out of the spotlight.
4. The Kardashians
Making a sex tape should only get you notoriety in the porn industry; it shouldn’t make your whole family famous.
5. The cast of Jersey Shore
I don’t care if you go to the gym after tanning and doing your laundry, stop influencing people to act like idiots.
Top five children’s shows we miss the most
1. Animaniacs (1993–98)
This show is famous for popularizing the trend of inserting subtle, adult-oriented jokes into children’s entertainment.
2. The Muppet Show (1976–81)
Believe it or not, there was a time when the hottest celebrity gig in town was guest starring on this puppet variety show. Who knew?
3. Batman: The Animated Series (1992–95)
At a time when the live action Batman series was getting progressively campier, the animated show remained consistently dark and foreboding in tone.
4. Wishbone (1995–98)
Encouraging grade-school kids to get into classic literature is no easy task. Fortunately, the creators of this show were smart enough to realize the easiest way to bait kids into learning about Oliver Twist and Sherlock Holmes was to dress up a cute Jack Russell Terrier in period clothing.
5. Ren and Stimpy (1991–96)
This cartoon about the misadventures of a dim-witted cat and an agitated Chihuahua was a favourite among 20-something stoners and those who appreciate toilet humour with homoerotic overtones.