NOT SURE WHERE you’re going to be knocking the boots next? Look for your astrological sign below and discover what’s in store for you this month. Don’t say we didn’t warn you!
Aries (March 21–April 19)
Your ruling planet, Mars, is in the house of the fallen moon, which can only mean one thing—you’re going to have some mind-blowing sex this month. A gorgeous Gemini is going to offer to pour hot wax on your nipples. Say yes.
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
You’re going to meet a sexy but misunderstood prisoner through a penpal program. Your jailbird won’t be getting out anytime soon, so try masturbating with a swatch of orange fabric instead.
Gemini (May 21–June 20)
This is going to be a big month for you, Gemini. Regardless of whether you’re oriented toward big boobs or big dicks, you’re going to have lots of what you like in and around your mouth. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
Be prepared to bump into a blue-eyed babe on King Edward Avenue on the second last Wednesday of the month. Ask if he or she wants to continue the bumping at your place. If the answer is yes, marry this person. If no, buy a goldfish.
Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)
On the last Wednesday of the month, your roommate will try to have sex with you. Go with the flow. This is meant to be.
Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)
If you stand outside the LCBO on Rideau Street, you’ll be sure to meet a freak-in-the-sheets Sagittarian. Unfortunately, he or she is going to be a freak everywhere else, too. Get out before you’re in too deep.
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)
Thanks to Neptune’s positioning in the house of Mars, a marine biology-loving Aquarian is going to wine, dine, and 69 you next Saturday. Be sure to trim your pubic hair into the shape of a killer whale beforehand.
Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)
Lucky you, Scorpio! A curly-haired god or goddess is going to make you see stars in the bedroom this month, but don’t forget oral sex is a two-way street. Your partner’s dick or clit isn’t going to suck itself, you know.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)
Now that Uranus is in retrograde, you’re going to be feeling all kinds of horny. Pick up a sexy foreigner on Parliament Hill and keep him or her screaming “Oh, Canada!” all night long.
Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)
A hot geneticist is going to unzip your genes on the last Sunday of the month, but don’t settle for the mediocre sex. You have a better chance of getting off from humping the air than you do with this guy or gal.
Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)
You’re going to fall deeply in love with the next person you see. Propose marriage to them—this one’s a keeper.
Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)
Knock, knock! Mercury is in the house of Pluto, which means your next door neighbour is going to come over to ask to borrow some sugar. Give them sugar in the form of your genitals interacting with theirs.
—Kristyn Filip, with illustrations by Brennan Bova
