Photo: CC Jazills. Edits: Marta Kierkus.

Follow-up to ‘Animals’ aims to eroticize salads everywhere

Maroon 5 is set to release a follow-up to their controversial smash hit, “Animals.”

But after receiving a lot of criticism for literally treating women like meat in their last hit single, the band decided to take meat out of the equation this time around.

“Our new track is going to be called ‘Vegetables,’” frontman Adam Levine said in an exclusive interview with the Tomato. “It’s about a lonely horticulturist’s obsession with finding the perfect salad, and claiming it for himself.”

In the same interview, Levine admitted he has a whiteboard set up in his basement for ideas about a third song entitled, “Minerals.”

“Coming up with the title is always the hardest part,” he said.

Despite widespread criticism, “Animals” has been praised by some critics for its psychotic lyrics, violent imagery, and for the way it glamorizes stalker-like behaviour. Levine promises that “Vegetables” will also push the boundaries of artistic expression, and delve deep into the realm of completely healthy and normal human-on-plant relationships.

“I feel like this song is going to really highlight some important themes, like how taking out your personal aggression and frustration on collard greens will, in the end, turn out to have a happy ending,” said Levine. “Just like in ‘Animals,’ where the creepy stalker got the girl. That’s the new American Dream.”

When asked how he could possibly top the controversy associated with the “Animals” music video, Levine said he already has something in the works.

“We’re tentatively thinking of filming this music video in a cornfield at night, which is pretty much as creepy as the ‘Animals’ video, except it’s more vegan-friendly,” he said.

Given the popularity of “Animals,” the band is thinking of recycling the same melody for all three upcoming songs, at least for the chorus.

“After all, the titles of all three songs are three-syllable words. It’s like it was meant to be,” said Levine.

Doctor Beverly Smarts, a professor of musicology at the University of Ottawa, agrees.

“The melody for the chorus is particularly inspired, and it is mathematically well-suited to repeat the same title word over and over again in a ridiculously high falsetto.”

Jane Chords, a graduate student at the U of O, is less thrilled.

“My master’s thesis was intended to prove that hypnotic melodies in modern pop music are designed to disguise idiotic lyrics. Now Levine has basically proven my thesis right, rendering all my well-reasoned arguments and charts redundant.”

When asked if he thought that writing song-sequels that re-use popular melodies would become a hot new trend in the music industry, Levine admitted he didn’t know.

“I guess we’ll have to see if Pitbull ever releases a follow-up to ‘Timber’ called ‘Lumber.’”