Fart-Free Ontario Act has people clenching their cheeks

Edits: Marta Kierkus

In a bid to improve provincial health standards, the Government of Ontario passed new anti-farting legislation that came into effect at the start of 2015.

According to the Fart-Free Ontario Act, anyone caught passing gas outside their own private residence—at restaurants, bar patios, playgrounds, sports fields, or inside any non-domestic building—will be subject to hefty fines and public shaming by local law enforcement, who are now equipped with state-of-the art methane detectors.

“This new bit of legislation has been a long time coming,” said Associate Health Minister Dipika Damerla, who is credited for rallying support to pass the new bill.

“According to recent studies, public farting is the number one cause of sensory displeasure in Ontario. Other reports suggest secondhand methane gas exposure affects hundreds of thousands of Ontarians every year.”

Some Canadians have welcomed the new law with open arms, hoping it will help them get a better handle on their own bodily functions.

“I’ve been meaning to quit farting for a while now,” said University of Ottawa sociology student, Lou Stools. “Hopefully this new ban will encourage me to hold it in, which will spare my girlfriend any more public embarrassment.”

However, others are not so happy with the government’s restrictive stance on communal air biscuits.

Dr. Hugh Gassman, an Ottawa gastroenterologist, has been openly critical of the law, arguing that the act of repressing natural biological functions can be catastrophic for the human body.

“Not only can it result in bloating, indigestion, and heartburn, but prolonged buildup of intestinal gas has been proven to result in accidental excremental discharge,” said Dr. Gassman. “So, basically, the government is encouraging us to shit ourselves in the streets.”

To protest what they see as an unjust law, Dr. Gassman and a group of a couple hundred fellow fart enthusiasts are planning to storm Parliament Hill armed with a large supply of beans, cabbage, cheese, eggs, and gas masks.

“If they won’t hear our words, then they’ll definitely smell our farts,” reads a call-to-arms post on the group’s Facebook page.

In order to prevent what they see as a large-scale act of chemical warfare, the provincial government is now considering amending the original law to make it less harsh. “After much deliberation, we’re now in the process of setting up designated public ‘fart zones’ all over Ontario’s major urban areas,” said Damerla during a press conference. “These small areas will allow the most backed-up Ontarians to let loose for 30-second intervals every day.”

No word yet on whether or not this new amendment has dissuaded Dr. Gassman and his group from carrying out their gaseous protest.