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Tomato: Google releases latest product

“It’s a problem we all face time and time again: how do we protect ourselves from shade? It was clear to us that too much shade was being thrown. Good, honest, hardworking people needed a way to protect themselves, and the sun just wasn’t making the cut,” said Ali.
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Heckles

I send out the following message to those grumpy people who seem to feel entitled to complain endlessly about this bout of nasty weather: Please stop. We are all travelling on the bus with you; we all have chunks of snow dripping into our socks; if you look closely, you will see that our eyelashes are just as frozen as yours. Snow, like death, unites all people.

Tales from behind the counter

Confession: I was a card-carrying, drive-thru working, fry-salting employee of McDonald’s from 2005–2010. I worked for the fast-food restaurant all throughout high school, and always picked up shifts during the December holidays as a university student. I don’t think I ever officially quit—I still have my uniform and could probably call the manager tomorrow and ask for shifts. I haven’t forgotten how to do the job—trust me, no one can ever unlearn how to work at McDonald’s.
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Tomato: Where dem luddites at?

“Their services just weren’t sustainable. They went out and bought a mahogany record player chest from Value Village, which we allowed because it only cost 25 bucks—but the thing used up the same amount of energy it takes to light the new FSS building,” said Cherdon.
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Heckles

More widespread and contagious than any virus since the plague, this epidemic spreads not through contact, but by words. This danger is the overuse of the word “literally.”
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The lazy student’s workout

We've all been there—you wake up one morning, look in the mirror, and realize you aren’t as slim or fit as you once were. Still, you’re far too lazy to actually get off the couch, unless, of course, your roommate proposes a trip to McDonald’s followed by dessert at the Beavertail stand. The solution: following these six easy exercises, perfect for someone who hates fitness; no weights, sweat, or pesky gym visits required.