New phone update doesn’t slow down phones, asks for first-born child

These days iPhones are a huge part of many students’ lives, between the need to use social media every few hours, endless group chats full of memes, and an epidemic of selfies. Apple got in trouble recently after admitting that they slow down older phones to encourage people to buy their new models that are obviously different and not at all the same, but with a better camera.

Students at the University of Ottawa are concerned with the news of Apple’s newest updates slowing down older phones, for what they claim is a function designed to “preserve the battery life.” However, Apple has recently promised that the new updates will not automatically slow down devices, and will now offer users a choice.  After you update your phone, a message will pop up reading, “New update is finished, slow down phone and improve quality of performance?”

Now you can choose for your phone to not slow down, with the only cost being that all the social media apps glitch and won’t open. This perhaps won’t be a major issue, considering that the phone will run as well as it did before.

Many students have voiced their satisfaction with this update, claiming that they don’t need apps with a fast-running device. “I love that I can chose whether my phone slows down. It’s nice being able to make my own choices and decide if I want  my phone to work at the right speed, and the only cost is all my apps not working,” says Aye Fune a third-year economics student and loyal Apple customer.

The update also comes with a new security feature buried within the terms and conditions when accepting the update. This small change allows Apple to record, store, and release any sounds, voice calls, texts messages, pictures, and fingerprints used with the newly updated phones. “Yeah so Apple knows everything about me and I don’t know what they’re doing with it,” said second-year English student Tina Rogers. “I don’t care, as long as I can get my sweet, sweet memes.”

Installing the update will also give Apple custody of the users’ first-born child, which is a step up from the litre of blood that was in the first draft of the new security protocol. “We just felt that we had more use for children than for a whole bunch of blood. What would we do with blood from all these different blood types?” said Apple CEO Tim Cook.

To the majority of students, this seems like a small demand when they are being given a choice of whether or not to slow their phones down. Apple has been receiving lots of praise for giving their customers this choice and about the very small security conditions being asked instead of the slow down. The company has further plans to launch their mind-reading program on unsuspecting citizens.