President cites high number of violent deaths caused by Caucasian males

In a shocking move, American President Donald Trump has written a new executive order temporarily banning white men from entering the United States.

The ban will block male citizens from “majority white” countries, focusing on Canada, Australia, and most of western Europe.

When asked why New Zealand wasn’t included in the list of banned countries, White House press secretary Sean Spicer simply replied “Well, he has a lot of business inter…” He then trailed off before yelling “smoke bomb!” and fleeing the room.

In the face of mounting criticism, the Trump administration is preparing to dig in its heels amongst the oncoming media onslaught.

“Look, this is to make our country safer,” said Spicer said in a follow-up press briefing.

“Statistically, a huge number of violent deaths in the U.S. are caused by white males—and if there’s one thing this administration lives by it’s facts and figures.”

Or, as Trump himself eloquently wrote on Twitter, “BAN NEED TO HAPPEN NOW. SAD!”

Trump spokesperson Kellyanne Conway echoed the sentiment in a live interview with CNN.

“What, would you prefer we picked a group that haven’t committed any fatal terror acts in the country?” she asked. “That wouldn’t make any sense. You’d have to start making up attacks or something.”

Many white men took to the streets to protest the ban. However, the demonstration didn’t last very long, as the entire contingent was clad in plaid shorts in February.

“This is crazy!” said protester John Thomas. “Did they maybe consider that there are deep systemic issues at work here, and that singling out groups of people will only make the problem worse?”

“Why aren’t white women getting banned too?” said Dave Templeton, who was also at the demonstration. “They can’t make laws to make me worse off just because of my gender, can they?”

Luckily, the American justice system is stepping in.

“This is a broad and shocking move, and we’re trying to limit its effects.” said Samantha Stewart, a human rights lawyer. “Who would reproach the justice system for restraining an attempt to ban people from several countries from entering the U.S.?”

As if summoned by the comment, Trump appeared again on Twitter.

“I’M SUPPOSED TO GET WHAT I WANT, NOW,” Trump wrote.

Despite temporary legal intervention, many are concerned about the future of the country under the new ban, especially the owners of Starbucks chains, country music clothing outlets, and Whole Foods grocery stores.

Trump and most of his cabinet could not be reached for further comment, as they’ve been detained by the TSA.

tomatoad