Recent report finds link between deadly disease and all things

Photo: Rémi Yuan.

Health Canada has taken the issue of disease prevention to a whole new level.

In response to growing concern about nationwide cancer rates, the federal department has issued its latest in a string of warnings about what actually causes cancer.

In a 500-page report titled “Staying Safe in a Cancerous World,” scientists have found an intrinsic link between cancer and literally every food, activity, and any other thing known to humanity.

“Recent studies suggest that known causes of cancer, including genetic factors, diet and exercise, tobacco usage, and exposure to chemicals and radiation are not sufficient in explaining every single cancer diagnosis,” reads the report.

“Thus, the only logical conclusion to draw is that everything else is also the cause.”

The publication is split into 100 chapters, two of which are entirely dedicated to the dangers of sitting down, deemed the second most dangerous human activity, shortly behind standing up.

The remaining chapters follow suit, outlining every other activity that “may or may not” be carcinogenic. As it turns out, 99.9 per cent of activities fall into the “may” category.

Included near the top of the list is “interaction with people,” since “fellow human beings have proven to be a guaranteed source of carcinogens,” according to the report.

As a follow-up to this report, the federal government is already planning to implement several new laws designed to help reduce cancer-inducing activities. This new batch of legislation would impose fines on sneezing in public spaces, and could potentially hand out jail time to anyone who double-dips their food.

The report has also caused widespread public panic across the country.

Adam Blazer, president of the Ottawa Public District School Board, is concerned about the report and how it will impact elementary school education.

“I just don’t know what to do anymore… We’ve already banned open windows, fruits and vegetables, and chairs, but how can we ban people from coming to school?” Blazer said. “I thought homeschooling my children would be the solution, but that would still leave them exposed to me.”

However, many Canadians consider this to be a step in the right direction. In light of recent debates on controversial food items such as apples and oranges, some are thankful for the clarity and guidelines that have now been set in place.

“This report is a win for public health and safety,” said Andrew Masterson, a contributor for WebMD. “It leaves absolutely no room for any more speculation on what actually causes cancer.”

In the now very likely case of a cancer diagnosis, Masterson said most Canadians can at least find comfort in the fact that it could have been caused by literally anything.