New entry in SFUO based reality series showcases students wielding pitchforks and torches at GA

On Monday, March 20, MTV aired the mid-season finale of Keeping Up with the Boardashians, the new reality television show starring members of the Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO).

The two-hour special chronicled the events of the federation’s spring General Assembly (GA), which was shaping up to be the season’s most highly anticipated episode yet.

In the opening shot of the episode, members of the executive were seen entering Marion Auditorium for the GA. SFUO president Roméo Hahamakin and vice-president social Wadi Hess were both covered in bandages and walking on crutches following their brawl at the end of the series premiere.

To viewers’ surprise, Hahamakin and Hess took their seats side-by-side at the front of the room.

“I did it so students would know the strength of my character and that I can stand firm in the face of adversity,” Hess said during a video confessional. “People will hate you, rate you, shake you, and break you, but how strong you sit is what makes you.”

An outtake at the end of the episode showed Hess asking the camera crew, “Can someone send me a copy of that confessional? I want to post it on Facebook!”

The assembly—which did not meet quorum to begin with—started out with vice-president finance Richie Lachic giving a presentation of the federation’s annual budget.

“Here we have the costs for the U-Pass, the health plan, and—oh, hang on, that’s not supposed to be there,” Lachic said, fumbling with the projector remote.

A graph then appeared on the screen showing the expenses of Lachic’s weekly trips to Le Nordik spa, much to his surprise.

In a video confessional following the GA, Lachic claims that, “It must have been our comptroller general. I knew he was out to get me. I can’t believe he tampered with my PowerPoint like that!”

Cameras then turned to the main entrance of the auditorium, where a mob of students charged in wielding pitchforks and torches. There were just enough students in this mob to push quorum over the edge so that the meeting could officially begin.

Once the dust cleared, a single student approached the microphone. All eyes in the room were on him.

“Hi, Nordan Gent here. Most of you probably already know who I am.”

Silence followed. Someone in the audience played an audio clip of crickets on their phone.  

Hess reached forward and picked up his microphone. “Actually, no, I don’t know who you are. And what’s with the pitchforks and torches? It’s 2017.”

Gent continued in spite of these interruptions.

“We’re here to protest the new executive salary raise and the free U-Passes for board members and to put students first!” Cheers followed from the mob of students. Cameras turned to show Hahamakin smirk.

Within minutes, an impassioned back-and-forth had erupted between students and members of the executive, with the mob throwing tomatoes and other fresh produce at the execs.

“Wait, wait!” said Kathryn LeSwank, a board member and SFUO food bank employee, as she emerged from the crowd. “Don’t waste those vegetables. Donate them to the food bank! We need pasta, canned vegetables, soup…”

LeSwank was cut off mid-sentence as she was forced to duck, an errant pear whizzing past her head.

Since the GA was plagued with so many distractions and interruptions, none of the items on the agenda could be properly addressed.

“Oh, what a shame,” said Hess as the clock struck 10 p.m. “Unfortunately we ran out of time, so we can’t discuss our salary raises. You should have brought a motion to discuss it at the top of the agenda!”

The students gathered in the auditorium collectively groaned, knowing they had lost this battle. Chairperson Shade Philip Hunsdale announced that students could bring their grievances to the next Board of Administration meeting, though he did not inform them of where it would take place.

As students made their way out of the auditorium, the cameras zoomed in on Hess as he signed off with his signature catch phrase: “Bye Felicia!”

tomatoad