Watching TV, eating junk foods the best way to stay disease-free

Photo: Rémi Yuan.

The Society for Eating and Television (SEAT) has released new research showing that binge-watching Netflix while eating junk food is the best way to prevent a number of known physical ailments.

“The combined effects of relaxing and eating fatty foods are the best things possible for the body,” said SEAT spokesperson Alan Thompson. “In fact, we are under good authority to say that this dieting method can decrease the risk of stroke, increase blood flow, and it can even lead to a natural immunization against measles.”

In light of this news, Netflix—being the most popular streaming service amongst Canadian youth—is now scrambling to add more original programming to its lineup.

“Now, we at Netflix feel that it is our moral imperative to have more TV shows,” said Rick Smith, head of Netflix programming. “We are performing a public service and are keeping people healthy in the process”.

This dieting method is so bold and revolutionary that members of Canada’s own anti-vaccination movement are even using it to further their own political goals.

“This just goes to show you that modern medicine is a complete joke,” said Sandra Bolton, a head of a local anti-vaxxer group. “Vaccines are useless and the best way to produce immunity to measles is through force-feeding your children chocolate and Orange is the New Black.”

On campus, many students are in good spirits, since online TV streaming and bad eating habits are already the cornerstone of the modern university experience.

“It just feels so good to know that all that time I spent watching House of Cards and eating chips I wasn’t being lazy. I was actually improving my health,” said Doug Darb, a third-year communications student. “Now I can just throw that new gym membership I got in the garbage.”

“Knowing about this, I really need to start watching what I eat,” said Alicia Hershel, a second-year Telfer student. “I mean, maybe 24 cookies in a sitting isn’t enough to keep me fit.”

“I just wish streaming services like Netflix had been around for people of my generation,” said professor Erin Peoples, who teaches health sciences at the University of Ottawa. “There’s no telling now how many people could be at risk because we haven’t had enough exposure to its natural healing properties.”