Board of Administration candidates finally know when to bow and curtsy

After all the concerns over the recent Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO) elections, the organization has decided to step up and finally make some big changes.

At an April 2 Board of Administration (BOA) meeting, vice-president of university affairs Danessa Vorimain gave a report on behalf of the elections committee, and suggested a way to make SFUO elections better for everyone—by establishing some good clean rules for polite behaviour.

After hearing that some candidates for board positions had been badmouthing the SFUO during the election period, the execs realized changes had to be made.

“People criticizing the SFUO and its members for all the school to see? How will that help anyone?” said vice-president finance Richie Lachic. “As a side note, I’d like to say that the secretary of the SFUO likes to kick babies in his spare time.”

So, in a matter of days, the elections committee produced a handy guide on what people can and cannot say when they run for office.

“It’s the only way ensure good democracy, right?” said SFUO vice-president of services and communications Crancesco Faruso. “I’m all for free speech, but constructive criticism is just a bridge too far.”

The guide starts by spelling out specific terms that are forbidden from future election debates.

“No candidate shall call the SFUO ‘corrupt,’ or ‘inept,’ or refer to it as a ‘place where student funds go to die.’”

The guide continues.

“No candidate shall say that the SFUO doesn’t listen to the voice of students. And anyone who doesn’t believe us can shut the hell up.”

The guide also contains provisions which specify that BOA candidates should bow and curtsy before they launch ad hominem attacks at each other.

“I think this guide is a step in the right direction,” said Phil Moore, a first-year philosophy student. “Honestly, it’ll be easier if I don’t have to keep getting my hopes up every year that things will change in the SFUO.”

“Of course, this document is the best way to fix student elections,” said Timmy Stevens. “What else can they do? Are they going start actually counting the ballots properly or let their polling staff work the right hours? Ridiculous!”

The guide even addresses non-SFUO students directly, urging them to channel their criticisms of the SFUO executive into a more useful vehicles.

“The GA is where we give students a voice and real power,” said Vorimain, before the entire executive broke down laughing.

On April. 5, Faruso said the SFUO is very happy with the new document and may make similar guidelines in the coming months.

Sources say the next text will be titled “Proper behaviour for campus media outlets.”

tomatoad