University administration suggests sleep, binging Netflix as possible cures

The end of the school year has brought about many unwelcome effects for some students at the University of Ottawa. While the majority of students have been able to set aside their books after finals season and enjoy their time off, some are having a harder time leaving school behind.

“It’s been months now and I’ve still been writing critical reviews of everything I watch on Netflix,” said third-year film studies student Mary Oliver. “No one’s going to read my three page examination of Marxist themes in Riverdale, but I wrote it anyway.” As of the date of this publication, Oliver has begun work on an examination of capitalist undertones in The Jungle Book.

“After spending so much time studying on campus during the last few weeks of the semester, I just decided to move into the library to save on rent,” said second-year political science student Graham Pepper. “It may seem weird, but a few years ago I read about someone who was living in the caf, so this isn’t that far fetched.”

Coffee shops in Sandy Hill have reportedly been reaping the rewards of students’ inability to unwind. “We still have lines out the door every morning of dead-eyed students complaining about their assignments,” declared Happy Goat manager Glen Grimes. “Every time it happens, I have to double check with my coworkers that it is in fact May.”

While no cure has yet been found for students who can’t seem to stop studying, U of O officials have shared a few suggestions. “We’re studying this phenomenon and are still working towards a solution, but right now we advise students to resist the urge to write unnecessary papers and read pointless academic articles,” university president Jacques Frémont wrote in an email to students. “While it seems like copious amounts of sleep and Netflix will help, we’re continuing to research exactly how many episodes of Drag Race it’ll take to finally be cured.”

While students may be struggling to adapt to not being chronically busy, there is still time to readjust and enjoy the summerat least until the whole cycle starts up again in September.