Super savings mogul closes its doors because of high Black Friday return rate

After many years of vast financial success, Wal-Mart has filed for bankruptcy due to an overwhelming number of returns following Black Friday.

Due to a technicality in Wal-Mart’s return policy, all customers who returned sale items purchased on Black Friday were given reimbursements at the items’ regular price.

This technicality cost the company billions of dollars, and forced chief executive officer Dick Rich to release a formal statement on Dec. 3 that declared the transnational corporation bankrupt.

“It has truly shocked not only everyone in the company, but almost everyone in the world,” said Rich in an exclusive interview with the Tomato. “Wal-Mart was a business of epic proportions, giving jobs to thousands of people. I never imagined a day like Black Friday, supposedly the most fruitful day of any retailer’s year, could have resulted in such a loss.”

The statistics have been released and it seems that almost 75 per cent of the 2.5 million transactions per hour on Black Friday were returned the following Tuesday.

Wal-Mart customer and year-round deal-hunter Brett Savage said even though the rollbacks were relentless, when he totalled his receipts at the end of Black Friday he just couldn’t stomach the amount he had spent.

“When you see $98 flat screens and $5 Barbies you want to buy them because you want to give your kids things to be thankful for,” said Savage. “But when you get down to it, spending thousands on one day just isn’t feasible for a family of six during this recession. It makes you think that maybe food, love, and shelter should be the things we’re thankful for. It’s on parents to set the example.”

Rich and the other prominent executive members at Wal-Mart were ecstatic when they heard the news that one shopper was trampled in the early morning of Black Friday in a New Boston, Ohio location, believing the injuries were a sign of an incredibly profitable day.

“With those dangerous crowds, we thought we’d be pulling in and keeping in millions of dollars,” said Ian O’Coin, finance manager of Wal-Mart Canada in an interview with the Tomato.

Though the finance department was right to estimate huge dollar amounts earned based on the viciousness of their Black Friday customers, what they didn’t expect was the equally if not more disturbing massacre on the days following their huge sales.

“The line-ups for returns were insane,” said Savage. “I had to rip a 10-year-old’s braid off just to make it into the line. People were punching, scratching, pushing, and slapping to make sure they got all their money back and to make sure our kids learn the true meaning of Thanksgiving.”

Savage insisted that parents should stop promoting such shallow values during the Thanksgiving holiday, but said Boxing Day is another story.

“People that work in big box stores need jobs too,” said Savage. “Thanksgiving should be about the basics, but Christmas, what’s Christmas without Boxing Day’s excess?”

In his statement, Rich also urged consumers to spend big on Boxing Day without the guilt.

“Without these huge spending days, other important companies like Target may be forced to close their doors too.”