Administration working to make students even more unhappy

The annual Maclean’s university ranking recently revealed that the University of Ottawa sits at last in the country for student satisfaction, as revealed by university president Jacques Frémont at the Oct. 30 Board of Governors (BOG) meeting.

The rankings claim that 67 per cent of students at the U of O feel some sort of dissatisfaction, a whole 51 per cent higher than the average Canadian university.

“We tell everyone that the constant construction is to make campus better for future classes, but it’s actually to keep people unhappy,” said Frémont. “We’re thinking of changing our motto to ‘We’re not happy until you’re not happy.’”

While construction was a significant factor in the lack of  student satisfaction, a number of students cited other reasons such as the lack of green space, harsh winters, and most recently, the strike by part-time professors that was just narrowly avoided. “Pushing the final outcome to the last minute was honestly part of a plan to keep students guessing,” according to U of O negotiator Mandy White. “We knew days before that there wouldn’t be a strike, but we wanted our students to think they could actually enjoy life for a few days.”

“We’re very happy with the improvements we saw in this year’s survey, as students graded us even worse in several categories, such as ‘lack of self worth,’ ‘number of existential crises on campus,’ and ‘feelings of isolation,’” said Frémont.

While many professors were reluctant to comment on the lack of student satisfaction, students themselves were elated to speak on their sense of dissatisfaction. Fourth-year engineering student Hailey Stevens noted how impressive it was that the university was trying to make the campus worse for her, saying, “This does not surprise me one bit. I have been here five years and not a single building project has been completed.” Conversely, first-year English student Peter Turnbull boasted how about how important the dining hall is to his weight loss routine, “I have lost over twenty pounds since I began my meal plan, the food is almost non-existent and when it is there it is terrible.”

To keep students unhappy, the administration has planned a series of ways to make U of O even more unbearable. Some of the proposed suggestions include eliminating the U-Pass, cancelling all snow removal policies, and beginning coal mining around campus. However the strongest proposal is to simply stay the course; little to no improvement should keep students dissatisfied, right?