Limited study space, lack of cafeteria options among issues tackled

At the University of Ottawa’s Oct. 30 Board of Governors (BOG) meeting, university president Jacques Frémont revealed that a recent Maclean’s university ranking puts the U of O last in the country for student satisfaction. A week of brainstorming by the university administration has resulted in one simple solution: fossil fuels.

In an email to students on Sunday, Nov. 5, Frémont wrote that the decision came to him almost instantaneously one night after an extended BOG meeting to address the issue.

“It was as if someone flipped a switch and a light bulb turned on above my head,” Frémont wrote in the email. “I am certain the use of fossil fuels will solve our school’s low student satisfaction.”

Frémont’s announcement comes after United States Energy Secretary Rick Perry said that fossil fuels can prevent sexual assault.

“When the lights are on, when you have light that shines, students see just how great this university truly is,” Frémont announced at a press conference on Friday, Nov 10.

It appears that students are already buzzing with excitement following the implementation of fossil fuels around the U of O. Travanna Sawde, a fifth-year student at the Telfer School of Management told the Tomato, “With all these lights on, I’m finally able to find more study spaces around campus!”

Students have also given more positive reviews about the food at the university’s 24-hour dining hall, stating that the increased lighting around campus has led to cafeteria workers actually seeing what they put in the food, and experimenting with new and exciting meals.

“The food just tastes so much better, and there’s far more variety now! I’m a big fan of the shawarma enchiladas. They sound strange, but once you try one, you’ll be hooked!” said Saddiqi Raelyn, a master’s student at the Graduate School of Public and International Affairs, between bites of the Middle Eastern-Mexican hybrid meal. “This truly is multiculturalism at its finest.”

Even the Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO) has implemented fossil fuels to combat the dissatisfaction that they, too, have experienced by students.

“Right now we’re drilling into the university’s green space to extract coal. Fossil fuels are a great idea as far as I’m concerned,” said SFUO vice-president finance Richie Lachic. “Increased lighting means I’ll be able to see the numbers I’m working with while preparing the budget, so we don’t end up ridiculously overspending in any areas.”

Kathryn LeSwank, SFUO vice-president services and communications told the Tomato, “My phone has been blowing up with all the students tweeting about how happy they are with the federation. I’d attribute it to my good comms, but really, it’s those fossil fuels.”

The latest Maclean’s university ranking, published on Sunday, Nov. 12 revealed that the U of O now sits at first in Canada for student satisfaction. David Ericson, editor-in-chief of the publication told the Tomato, “I guess yoga scandals, a supposedly corrupt student federation, and a not-so-green green space are no match for fossil fuels!”