Effects of trans fat ban on dining hall could be dire

As of Sept. 17, Canada has banned the use of trans fat in food products. What’s worse, imported foods and items served at restaurants and cafeterias will also be included under the ban.

Students at the University of Ottawa have been vocal about their disdain for governments deciding what goes into their bellies. The Tomato spoke with some of these students.

“I should be able to eat the fattiest and tastiest food I want. What’s the point of going to a sugar shack or a fast food restaurant if I can’t get my fatty fix?” complains first-year Natalia Nutella.

“This implacable law is limiting our freedom of food choice!” shouted an angry student protesting outside U of O’s dining hall. The slightly overweight football player Henry Gooseberry has been on a hunger strike since the ban was announced, and has been fueling himself on Monster Energy drinks.

“I should be able to get heart disease if I want to.” exclaims first-year law student Gregory Front, “It’s my right. Besides, this just means the dining hall food will only get worse, the only thing they have going for them is the fat. How am I supposed to gain my freshman fifteen now? That’s an important milestone.”

Although the law banning artificial trans fat will not come into full effect until next year, many students have already noticed a difference in the taste of cookies and doughnuts served in and around campus.

Nutrition professor Donald Walnut advocates a balanced diet, which he claims includes the trans fat items: “The University of Ottawa needs to take a firm stance on this nonsensical ruling and show Ottawa and the rest of the country that we will not be bullied.”

“If companies start taking trans fat out, all their products will be bland,” reckons U of O honour student Malory Pinto. She adds, “The long-term goal of the government is to have us all eating oatmeal and boiled chicken!”

Her theory is not that far-fetched. Many scientifically accurate films like The Matrix and The Hunger Games portray a world in which everyone eats the same rationed flavourless food. If this is the government’s plan, we can expect a ban on saturated fat in the near future, then another one on sodium. If our world is any reflection, pretty much all we’ll be eating in the future is cereal and dietary supplements.

There will be a protest outside Parliament Hill on National Doughnut Day to boycott this law. Thousands of students from Ontario and Quebec are expected to attend, especially lower-income students who cannot afford the obscenely expensive foods that do not include trans fat.

The Tomato has also received reports of  people from the burger, french fry, and pastry industry investing millions into getting employees highly educated so they can become government moles in the agriculture and health sector. It seems this ban will be vanquished sooner or later.