“After countless testimonies and much evidence from both schools, it became unquestionably obvious that the University of Ottawa was far greater than Carleton University. Ottawa U proved to be historically better in several critical categories, including the overall good looks of students, the quality of their taste in all things, and of course general cleanliness and smell.”

With quality TV programming like Full House and YTV’s Hit List; dial-up modems; music from Nirvana, Alanis Morissette, and Britney Spears; and fashion greats—who needed a belt, when you had a sweater to tie around your waist?—the ‘90s were years like no other.

“Each category’s winners will be chosen based on specific and impartial qualifications. Acting categories will now be decided based on four criteria: the age of the actor, how many previous unsuccessful nominations the actor has received, the quality of the Hollywood parties thrown on behalf of the actor, and whether or not the actor has ever played a historically important American political figure,” said Lanley.

“Their services just weren’t sustainable. They went out and bought a mahogany record player chest from Value Village, which we allowed because it only cost 25 bucks—but the thing used up the same amount of energy it takes to light the new FSS building,” said Cherdon.

Allyson Harmon, a fourth-year communications student, is attempting to help students out with a new support club. The group aims to support students who have difficulty following their favourite TV shows while juggling school work.

“We’ve uncovered a massive network of steroid use within dodgeball leagues and it all centres around these athletes. There’s simply no room for cheating in our sport, or at this institution. Just with the magnitude of the situation, we felt we needed to come down hard on the perpetrators to not lose the public’s confidence.”

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