The Tomato

“Some people think that students are too loud or their parties are too wild,” said committee member Jane Doh. “We realized the real issue is that Sandy Hill is located too close to the University of Ottawa. If we didn’t live so close to the university, we wouldn’t have these problems.”

“But because of the amounts of people at last week’s meeting we switched to a format of one person going up to the front of the room and complaining into a microphone while the rest of the group had to listen quietly. It really took away the organic feel of weather talk.”

New law outlaws women’s body hair A law passed on Jan. 5 states that women in Canada are no longer allowed to grow hair anywhere other than on their heads. After male members of Parliament deemed women’s body hair a danger to themselves and others, it was decided, with a majority vote, to ban it …

Just last month, Prime Minister Stevie Harper revealed he was duped by the comments of an attractive young journalist working for the Ottawa Denizen who described his helmet hair as “particularly fetching and stylish when seen next to Trudeau’s ridiculous curly locks.”

“The line-ups for returns were insane,” said Savage. “I had to rip a 10-year-old’s braid off just to make it into the line. People were punching, scratching, pushing, and slapping to make sure they got all their money back and to make sure our kids learn the true meaning of Thanksgiving.”

“Well, we’re paid to make good policy, and I’m happy to say we’re finally earning our salaries,” said Flipflop. “We did the math and realized that the average debt for a student with public and private loans has increased 460 per cent over the past 15 years. We asked ourselves, who is going to pay for boomers’ health care in 15 years?”

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