The Tomato

Mr. Swift’s proposed policy would make sure that future generations are free from past hindrances caused by such suspected autistic people as Beethoven, Mozart, Dickenson, Yeats, Einstein, Darwin, and Isaac Newton—all of whom contributed very little to the world, but who must have bothered people like this one pissed off mother with the “noise polluting whaling” they made.

“I mean, I could keeping going and get a doctorate or something—become a doctor of English and save people’s lives with my analysis of medieval literature,” Hayes said. “But I figured hey, if I’m going to be paying out my ass for tuition, I might as well learn and contribute something valuable to society.”

Allan Stone, the president of the university, believes these new regulations will enable students to relax more. “We were just tired of hearing so many complaints from students about how difficult their lives are in April, so we decided to change the whole basis for success at our school,” said Stone.

To prepare for the game of their lifetime, TuneSquad leader Bugs Bunny—alongside basketball superstar Jordan—coached the team from pitiful to kind of acceptable.

“He’s already lied about his name,” Trump said, referring to the Pope’s birth name Jorge Mario Bergoglio. “We need to stand up and confront people in power—this Frank guy can’t be changing names and running religion without proving to the world and myself that he’s legit.”

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