Dear Di

For those who need some extra inspiration. Image: Kai Holub/Fulcrum.
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Spooky season priorities

Dear Reader,

I have been inundated with questions regarding couples’ costumes for relationships that feel doomed to end sooner rather than later. If you think this Halloween will be your last (with your current partner), here are 10 couples costumes that highlight the potential incompatibilities with your significant other.

1. The Tortoise and the Hare

Have you come to assume that your partner will always finish first? Advertise it. Stay slow and steady — you’ll finish, just not with them.

2. A maid/butler and an ungrateful douchebag

This one might be too on the nose to suggest, but if you’re feeling resentful of the amount of effort they put in compared to you, suggesting this pair of costumes would get the ball rolling on the break-up.

3. A night owl and an early bird

Are your sleep patterns inconsistent? Dress as your respective feathered metaphors. Extra points if your morning bird is a cheater, and has been getting plenty of worms.

4. Players from rival sports teams

Do you each cheer for a different team? Don the jerseys and spend the evening trash-talking in character. If you’ve recently found out you might “play for the other team,” this could be a subtle nod for them to pick up on when they look back on photos in a decade.

5. Peter Pan and Tinker Bell

This costume pairing tells a story — one of you refuses to grow up, and the other needs constant validation.

6. A Bull and a Red Flag

This is a great way to clearly mark your partner as a walking red flag under the guise of a couple’s costume.

7. Ventriloquist and Dummy

Is one of you always speaking for the other? There are a lot of avenues for mockery here. I will leave it to the imagination.

8. Where’s Waldo

Spend the night avoiding each other and half-heartedly pretending to care.

9. A Cow and the Earth

Are their farts slowly killing you? Ok, the death of our planet is a lot more complicated than that, but the demise of your relationship might not be. A selling point of this option: you won’t look like you’re part of a couple’s costume unless you choose to explain it.

10. Any costume combo where you get to look hot, and they have a hard time getting through doorways or using the toilet

This is petty. Do it.