Dear Ty

Dear Di,

I’ve always thought Speedos make a man look sexy. Something about the way they outline his package and highlight strong, muscular thighs just gets me going. Problem is, my boyfriend refuses to wear one. I wear a bikini when we go to the beach, which I know he likes, so why shouldn’t he wear a Speedo instead of his baggy trunks?

­ —Show me the Speedo

Dear SMTS,

While I can empathize with your desire to see your man’s junk in nothing but an itty-bitty piece of spandex, you have to consider his perspective as well. Speedos aren’t known to be the most comfortable piece of clothing, and while they’re commonplace on beaches in South America and Europe, your guy may be worried about projecting an unmanly image if he wraps his banana in a hammock here in Canada. While you can try to convince him Speedos offer a better tan line, more range of motion in the water, and a VIP pass to the beach party in your panties, it’s not likely you’ll change his mind.

Pressuring your guy is never a good move. If the situation was reversed, you might not jump at the thought of wearing a thong and nipple tassels to the beach. Compromise. Ask him to wear a Speedo when it’s just the two of you—whether that’s splashing each other with the hose in the backyard or licking each other’s tan lines in the bedroom. The rest of the time, appreciate his upper body while he sports his trunks, and get your fill of filled-out Speedos watching those sexy swimmers during the summer Olympics.

Love,
Di

Dear Di,

My summer has recently taken a strange turn. As part of a subletting deal, I entered into a platonic bed-sharing arrangement with a close friend. We get along fairly well, and there have been few problems; however, due to sharing a bedroom, I’ve been unable to provide myself with any manual relief. This has led to an increase of sexual frustration, and recently hit a climax a few nights ago—Di, I had my first wet dream since high school! Luckily I was able to clean everything up without my bedfellow noticing. I’m afraid that if this happens again, I might not be so lucky. Is there any way I can prevent this from occurring in the future? Perhaps there’s a hobby I could take up?

—Sleepless in Ottawa

Dear SIO,

Do you take communal baths with your close friend as well as share a bed? I’m going to assume no, and tell you that the simplest solution to ease the ache in your pent-up penis is to hop in the shower whenever you feel the need.

You can also broach the subject with your roomie. Maybe your friend’s also suffering from a lack of release, and would be down for a little mutual masturbation—or at the very least, an agreed-upon signal that means the room is off limits for a while. Sure, it’ll be weird to bring up, but not nearly as awkward as it will be if your pal wakes up in a puddle of jizz.

Hopefully finding a time and place to masturbate will solve your problem, and the midnight explosions will cease. Every pecker has a mind of its own, though, and no studies have conclusively linked the frequency of masturbation with the frequency of your pyjamas getting creamed.

If tickling the pickle on a more regular basis doesn’t do the trick, think about some other potential causes of your wet dreams. Taking medications with testosterone or experiencing significant sexual tension—maybe with this so-called platonic friend?—could both be contributors to your dick’s sudden relapse into early adolescence. You can’t control your penis when you’re sleeping, but you can help its case when you’re awake.

My advice to you is to address your sexual frustration, and in the meantime, be sure to keep a spare pair of boxers near the bed for any impromptu undercover operations.

Love,
Di

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