Dear Ty

Dear Di,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about three years now. I know he watches lesbian porn, which I have no problem with, and that he’s turned on by the idea of two girls together. I would like to have a threesome with him and another girl, but I don’t want him to be getting it on with another woman. I want to do stuff with her to turn him on, but I don’t want him to touch her—at all. I think the only things I would be okay with him doing are watching, or touching me while I’m kissing and doing stuff with her. Am I being weird, or is this okay?

—My Way or the Highway

 Dear MWH,

You’re not being weird—it’s up to you what turns you on and what makes you uncomfortable, and you are well within the bounds of normalcy here. When a couple invites another person into the boudoir, it’s important to have complete honesty between the two primary partners. You have to be explicit about what you’re comfortable with before you can both get explicit with a third person. Talk to your man about what you would need to make a threesome go well, and vice versa. If you can’t agree to each other’s ground rules, then you shouldn’t go inviting trouble by making your tango a trio.

Let your boyfriend know you want to make out with another girl while he’s there, but that he can only look, not touch. Tell him the only way you’re comfortable with a ménage à trois is if he agrees to keep his hands to himself. I know my way around the male psyche, and I’m going to go out on a limb and predict he’ll agree to your terms in about 2.4 seconds. If you’re worried that he’ll attempt to touch the other girl once the play is underway, I suggest you invest in a pair of handcuffs and put them to good use.

If that’s too extreme, get him to agree to do only as he’s told during the threeway. Set up a safety word that both of you can use if things get uncomfortable. If you find yourself changing your mind about his level of involvement, stay in control and tell him exactly what you would like him to touch, lick, suck, or penetrate. It’s up to him if he moves forward on your naughty requests, but again, I’m willing to bet it won’t take much to convince him. If you’re the one giving directions, you might find yourself turned on by the thought of him with another woman. Enjoy yourself! Be a little dominant, and have a lot of fun.

 Love,
Di

Dear Di,

I have such an embarrassing problem—a gas problem. I find that when I have sex, the twisting and contorting and bending and thrusting creates a bunch of gas. I know—from awkward experience—that the ladies in general do not enjoy farts. I’ve tried holding it in until I can slip away discreetly to the bathroom, but too many apartments just have really thin walls and the sounds my butt makes are significant. The most recent girl I was with, let’s call her Jasmine, had a roommate whose room was right beside the bathroom. It was so noisy, the roommate knocked on the door asking if Jasmine was okay. Facing her was the worst experience ever, and Jasmine isn’t returning my calls. What can I do, Di? I’m thinking I might just try holding it in until the girl falls asleep—but what if the smell wakes her up?

 —Farty McFarter

 

Dear FM,

The solution to your problem is simple! Find someone whose fetish is eproctophilia: arousal from a partner’s toots. Okay, maybe that won’t be as simple as it sounds—people don’t exactly walk around with an “I <3 gas” sign on their forehead.

Another quick fix? Buy some Gas-X. You don’t need a prescription and it’ll help relieve your flatulence real fast.

There’s no way I’m going to recommend you quit with the acrobatics that you think are the cause of the bubbles building up in your intestines. I do, however, recommend examining other potential causes of the gas. Are you eating a lot of beans and other high fibre foods? Cutting back on magical fruit the day before an expected sexual encounter could help.

Other than that, if you want to impress the ladies, you may have to be willing to suffer for them. Fight your bodily instincts until you can make an excuse to get away. Attempt to make up an excuse that takes you outside, like a phone call or the need for some fresh air. Then let out as much air as you can, since you won’t be able to do this throughout the night.

Another option is honesty—while some women will be understanding, be prepared for others to give you weird looks and make excuses to end the night early.

As for waiting for your woman to fall asleep before you let your farts blow—try at your own risk. You’re in luck if your lady is a deep sleeper with a bad nose, but you run the risk of another embarrassing encounter if she sleeps lightly and has the sniffer of a bloodhound.

Good luck with the gas, dude.

Love,
Di