The Tomato

Art: CC, Tilla
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Paulina picks more diverse nominee list than actual academy

The Academy Awards are just around the corner and, in response to the criticism the Academy’s received for its lack of diverse choices for its acting nominations, it has decided to enlist the help of a mollusk medium.

Paulina the Octopus has been brought onto the process to select a more diverse list of nominees for next year’s Oscars.

Paul the Octopus was famous for accurately predicting the winners for seven of Germany’s World Cup matches in the 2010 World Cup. Since his death in 2010, German scientists have been voraciously testing all of his 200,000 offspring to see if any of them carry the same ingenious forecasting genes. In 2013 they discovered that indeed one of them, Paulina, was so precise they began referring to her as the “oracle of oracles”.

“To prove her legitimacy, Paulina was given tests ranging from Canadian election predictions to NHL playoff games,” wrote Academy Award president Cheryl Boone Isaacs  to several members of the voting committee. Adding, “she presently has a 94 per cent success rate, so it seems logical to rely on her expert opinion rather than force ourselves to watch long, drama-filled films every year.”

When faced with more than a few skeptical Academy members, Isaacs revealed the true reason for Paulina’s involvement.

“The public seems to be very worried about our lack of diversity and hopefully Paulina can change that. We don’t even watch many of the movies, let alone those showcasing people of colour, and Paulina certainly beats our current method of picking a winner.”

An investigation by the Tomato was able to unearth the specific procedures that yield Paulina’s results. She is first presented with laminated photographs of potential nominees. Within five minutes, most are splattered with ink. The photograph with the least amount of ink is the official winner of the award.

While it might be an unusual addition, at least this new member of the Academy isn’t another old white guy.