U of O expansion plans roll forward with aquatic playground
The recent closure of the Fauteux and 1 Nicholas buildings on campus seemed innocuous at first, but in fact heralded the university’s most ambitious expansion plan to date. The university has decided to create a waterpark in the space to attract more international students.
The university had hoped to keep the plans under wraps, but the information—much like the pipes—leaked early. And after the Fauteux incident prompted a flood of questions, university administration decided it didn’t give a dam anymore, and told the truth.
“Alright, yes, it’s true, we’re building a water park,” said U of O president Allan Rock. “We haven’t seen enough international enrollments, and we’ve finally found a way to turn the tides.”
There will be some sacrifices, he said. For example, the Stanton residence will have to be torn up and replaced with a giant water slide in order for the development to succeed campus-wide. “It won’t be a huge change, that place was already going downhill,” he said.
The news leaked when Tom Ato, a worker sent to fix the main water break, noticed discrepancies in the university’s story upon his arrival at the scene. “They told me there was a ruptured pipe in the basement of Fauteux,” he said. “But when I got there, something just didn’t seem right.”
He took the stairs down to the basement, where the water level was up to his knees. That’s when Ato stumbled onto the university’s latest surreptitious scheme. “There was a loud bell, it sounded like an air raid siren,” he said. Then the water began to slosh back and forth with increasing speed, until he was being buffeted by waves. “It was then that I realized it was a wave pool,” said Ato.
After an hour of aquatic frivolity, Ato emerged from Fauteux to understand what the wave pool was about. It was then that he ran into Allan Rock. “I asked him straight up, ‘why is there a wave pool in your law building?’” Ato said.
“I didn’t know what to tell him,” said Rock “I think I told him it was part of a marine law class.” But Ato’s suspicions were confirmed when he found a log flume in the Brian Dickson Law Library behind all the stacks.
“Honestly, we thought people would discover that sooner,” said Rock. “Lucky for us, it seems that no one ever goes in there.”
As for funding, Rock said that the university had received a generous subsidy from the government. “We’d like to calm any concerns that this project will break the student levee,” he said. “We’re very excited about it, and we’ve received an outpouring of support.”