The Tomato

The SFUO has decided to start taking student issues seriously, and put out a suggestion box. Photo: Jaclyn McRae-Sadik.

Issues around finances, transparency miraculously disappear overnight

They’ve done it. After years of stress, disappointment, and a summer full of layoffs, the Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO) has finally found the solutions to all of their problems.

It’s no secret that the SFUO had plenty of issues to contend with this past year—from financial insecurity to a flimsy excuse for a 101 Week, many students have their fair share of complaints. Fortunately for them, the student executives finally introduced their first-ever suggestion box.

But this is no ordinary suggestion box. This feedback receptacle is composed entirely of state-of-the-art suggestoriam, a mysterious compound that is said to solve all problems put into it.

“At first, I was kind of skeptical. I was like, ‘How can a suggestion box fix anything?’” said Dina Mite, a second-year chemistry student at the U of O. “But then I wrote ‘get better dental plan’ and shoved it in the box. The next day, the SFUO arranged a personal chauffeur to take me to the best cosmetic dentist in town to get my teeth cleaned!”

One of the most popular suggestions was to increase the student government’s transparency. To prove that the executives take all suggestions seriously, the federation has made it mandatory for all SFUO members to be physically transparent.

“It’s kind of a weird feeling,” said Casper Phantom, an SFUO representative. “Being completely see through is a whole new experience for me. But, if it makes students feel at ease with our regulations, then I and the entirety of the SFUO stand behind this suggestion.”

First-year students new to the university scene also have some suggestions for their new school.

“Yeah, university is dope and all, but I wish 101 Week was more lit,” said Neo Fresh, a first-year engineering student.

As soon as the suggestion was placed in the box, the U of O lit up, literally. The SFUO, with their legendary financial planning and foresight, decided to light up campus 24/7 with portable spotlights given out to each student.

By the end of its first week outside the SFUO office, the suggestion box was overflowing with student recommendations.

In response to another suggestion, the SFUO has updated its website, and here’s what it has to say about the suggestion box:

“Want more funding? Put it in the suggestion box and the SFUO will totally check it out, probably. A better health plan? Put it in the suggestion box and the SFUO will maybe potentially help you out.”

“Want a better study area without the threat of the mythical monster Cthulhu looming over you? Put it in the suggestion box and the members of the SFUO will first educate themselves on who Cthulhu is and then fix it.”

“Want real, measured consideration of problems that goes beyond a tiny box containing little pieces of paper? Not a chance.”