The Tomato

An illustration of last weeks VP debate
Image: Dasser Kamran/Fulcrum

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I have few political leanings. My life is consumed only by the pursuit of the best, juiciest feces I can find. I follow in the footsteps of my father, and his father – it’s a family business, one which I’m proud to continue.

Well, folks.

On Wednesday, Oct. 7, 2020, I completed my life’s work. 

For not only did I make my television debut, but I found the perfect landing spot.

This steaming specimen said so many stinky things about systemic racism not being real. He also referenced his master, a slightly more orange piece of shit, whom I can only aspire to meet and roost upon one day. That’s a far-fetched dream, though, as my lifespan is shorter than the time he is supposed to quarantine for this COVID-19 thing people kept talking about (From what I can tell, though, COVID-19 is very scary and much worse than H1N1, which was never actually a pandemic but was apparently comparable debate fodder for my silvery-white new palace of crap.) 

I do not have much else to say. I’d like to thank Mike Pence for his tremendous two-minute endorsement, as well as whatever brand of hair cement he used to keep me close on what I will remember as the greatest night of my life.

To all the little flies reading at home, let this be a lesson to you: anything is possible. Someday, you too will find the shit of your life, and let me tell you: it is a glorious feeling.

I will be taking no further media requests at this time.