The Tomato

The U of O has seen a record number of admissions of creepy clowns. Photo: Jaclyn McRae-Sadik.
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Clown cars, big shoes, and red noses descend on U of O campus

The creepy clown epidemic has taken a surprising, and scholarly, turn.

Last week, the University of Ottawa announced that its registration numbers for the 2016–17 academic year had shot through the roof, largely due to an influx of creepy clowns registering as students.

“You’d think this would be a problem, but they all have excellent grades,” said Dianne Davis, an admissions officer at the U of O.

Bozo Patrick, a first-year sociology and clown studies double major, said that in today’s economic reality, enrolling in post-secondary classes wasn’t really a choice.

“Given the job markets these days, a university degree is pretty much a requirement, even for creepy clowns,” he said. “No one wants to hire a joker without a PhD.”

While this move is made  out of economic necessity, some clowns are still very excited to start their studies at the U of O.

“My parents graduated summa cum laude from ByTowne Clown College,” said Krusty Roberts, a first-year chemistry and clown studies student. “I guess I have some big shoes to fill.”

Despite this influx of academic jesters, campus doesn’t seem to have gotten any creepier.

“Honestly, I don’t even have time to creep people out,” said Patrick. “Between studying for exams, writing papers, and being an active member of the Quidditch team, my schedule’s pretty much booked solid.”

“Sometimes I stare people down in the library,” said Roberts, “but it’s just not the same.”

After some initial shock, regular students are starting to adjust to the sight of creepy clowns around campus.

“Honestly, after looking at the price of my textbooks these clowns aren’t scary at all,” said Gloria Stephens, a first-year economics student.

Despite these changes, there have been benefits on both sides.

“There are definitely some perks,” said Roberts. “I don’t have to spend money on a costume for Halloween parties.”

“And I’ve only been pepper sprayed twice, which is a nice change of pace,” he continued.

School administrators like Davis have also been reaping the benefits of this new crop of students.

“The amazing thing about the situation is the parking,” said Davis. “All the clowns carpool together in a really small car, so there are always parking spots available on campus.”

Many of the newly enrolled clowns have also started to participate in U of O competitive sports teams, which has already garnered impressive results.

“The other teams are so spooked they just automatically pass us the puck,” said Ace O’Neil, coach of the Gee-Gees men’s hockey team. “Plus, all of the chasing people around has given them excellent leg strength.”

While it seems like a new phenomenon now, university president Jacques Frémont says creepy clowns could become a big part of the U of O’s future.

“It may have been a bit unnerving at first, but I think these clowns could become an integral part of our school,” said Frémont, as he donned a purple wig and a red nose.