Frosh Edition

 Illustration by Tina Wallace

The wooer

This person has a drinking related nickname for every day of the week. You’ll be best friends during the first few weeks of class, but you’ll soon be cursing his or her name as you squirm in bed the night before a midterm when all you can hear is “I love this song” yelled down your residence hallway. These are often the same people who brag about how they wrote their last essay drunk, and who believe YOLO is the answer to any criticism their parents direct their way.

The know-it-all

This is the guy or girl who uses every question in class as a chance to demonstrate their superior knowledge to the professor and the rest of the class. Easily found by listening for references to obscure authors, or philosophers that have nothing to do with what you are discussing, and by rare, leather-bound editions of the books on the syllabus.

The student who blames America for everything

It’s incredible how this student can turn any subject into a critique of American capitalism. A discussion about symbolism in Hemingway’s short stories? Obviously a time to bring up the pro-life movement in America today. A scientific explanation of frontal lobe growth in Psychology 101? Has to be connected to the Iraq war and oil. These people also tend to have not actually read the readings for the class, and who feel that “society” is a valid answer for why bad things happened during any historical period.

The student who still wants to be in high school

These people had a great time in high school, and as a result can’t let go of the glory days and adapt to change. They still wear Hollister to class, still brag about drinking stories as if no one has else has ever tasted alcohol yet, and are still under the belief that there is a popular group in each class they take. By second year these people will reminisce about their “younger days,” posting an excessive amount of throwback Thursday photos of themselves hanging out by lockers on Instagram with #simplerdays describing the scene.

The beer tearer

This is your friend who by 1 a.m. is incapable of anything except one sided heart-tohearts, and unintelligible sobbing. During these fits of melancholy, this friend will pick out one obscure phrase and keep repeating it until its greater significance has sunk in with their audience. This is how you’ll end up in the middle of the night cradling the head of a drunken hot mess repeating, “It was just soy sauce, I didn’t know any better.”

The professor who is angry about “the youth of today”

Usually, this professor will let you know within minutes of the class that he or she doesn’t believe in A-pluses, or that papers handed in a moment after the start of class will be burnt immediately. These are usually the same people who claim their road in life was uphill both ways, and who will have you believe they began preparing for each lecture last summer before the class was assigned to them.

The over-dresser and the under-dresser

Two of the most recognizable people you will meet in university. The over-dresser will wear a full suit to class, sneer at your sneakers, and will carry schoolwork in an attaché case that always smells like fresh mahogany. The under-dresser will show up to your 11:30 a.m. class in a sweatshirt, pyjama pants, and slippers with soaking wet hair, bragging about the fact that they were asleep 10 minutes ago.

The obvious question asker

Easily found on day one of a course after your professor has repeated word for word what is on the syllabus, when he or she then asks, “Are there any exams for this class?” There’s no such thing as a dumb question, except for whenever this person raises their hand.

The student who has switched majors six times

Often motivated by a great documentary they watched the night before, these people have successfully gone through five years of university without ever experiencing a third-year course. Easy to get along with and fun at parties, but massively in debt, this person will not be a favourite of your parents.

The Luddite

This person can be found on campus calling his parents from payphones, and is the same guy in your group project who didn’t complete his part because he was too busy playing Sonic the Hedgehog with some friends. This person will either own a stereo system that was made before the fall of the Berlin Wall, or will insist on shunning iTunes for the superior sound of the cassette.