ALL OF THE ASPECTS OF THE FILM HELP TO PAINT THE THANKLESS AND ISOLATING EXPERIENCE OF MOTHERHOOD.
I have never been so close to walking out of a movie theatre. If it hadn’t been for you, dear reader, I wouldn’t have stayed. With my review, at least you’ll be informed before subjecting yourself to the harrowing experience of If I Had Legs, I’d Kick You.
Written and directed by Mary Bronstein, the film follows Linda (Rose Byrne), a bone-tired mother drowning in her own tears of frustration and anguish. She struggles to stay afloat for her sick daughter, overcome her deteriorating mental health, and locate a missing person.
Despite the film’s noble purpose, it failed to move me. All of the aspects of the film help to paint the thankless and isolating reality of motherhood, so successfully in fact, that it drained all enjoyment from the experience. One might argue that this was the point. I appreciate how being forcibly plunged into Rose’s nightmare might have been relatable for some viewers ; however, the film offers no solution. Rather than a compelling and inspiring call to action to further recognize and support underappreciated mothers, it’s an overwhelming shouting match I wanted to distance myself from as quickly as possible.
Some might argue that the lack of credit mothers receive as the main pillar preventing our society from crumbling doesn’t have a solution. I disagree; this film was a wholly missed opportunity to bring us to sympathize with the protagonist. Since she is a fictional character, the writers had the freedom to make her a good person, even if it was buried deep beneath her fatigue and explosive temper.
I can’t help but think of my own mother, who like Rose, has had to grapple with chronic health conditions in our family. She juggled multiple jobs, her Master’s studies, cooking, cleaning, running marathons, and looking after her three children. Yes, she was exhausted. Yes, she felt alone. Yes, she got upset. Even so, my mother is my role model, and the strongest person I know.
It’s not fair to compare parenting styles and undermine the sacrifices Rose made for her daughter. However, my point is that it was possible and realistic to counterbalance Rose’s flaws with redeeming qualities. It was feasible to give the audience a reason to root for her, but it wasn’t done.
Sound Design
The sound design is admirable, engulfing the viewer in Rose’s world. However, some familiar sounds gradually become like Chinese water torture; from the incessant beeping of her daughter’s heart monitor, her needy child’s constant whining, to Rose’s phone constantly buzzing in her rare moments of respite. These become the pulse to a never-ending nightmare, often accumulating and swelling to create a deafening cacophony.
By the end, I was mirroring Rose as I had to close my eyes and rub my temples. The ruthless and unrelenting assault of the senses truly gives the viewer a taste of the overwhelming demands of being a mother.
Men
The men in the film are useless, intervening only when forced and with the utmost reluctance. Rose’s therapist (Conan O’Brian) steps on her foot and slams the door in her face as she screams for help during an emergency, her neighbour James (A$AP Rocky) follows her around until it doesn’t benefit him anymore, and her husband (Christian Slater) only appears for about a minute of screen time. In the rest of the film, he is a disembodied voice on the phone. He acquiesces to his daughter’s caprices and consistently contradicts his wife, undermining her authority, while he enjoys himself at a baseball game, free of the shackles of the round-the-clock care his daughter requires.
Even the parking attendant at the hospital refuses to show any mercy, hammering on Rose’s window as she stops for a moment too long to drop her daughter off for her daily medical appointments. The man supposed to do major repairs on her home also pulls out unexpectedly, forcing her to live in a hotel with her daughter.
The fact that deceptively unimportant background characters also seem determined to watch her fail contributes to the gnawing feeling that Rose is fighting alone against the entire world.
Other Women
Dr. Spring (Mary Bronstein) and the other mothers at the hospital support group all have different ideas on how best to guide their sick children on the road to recovery. Rose clearly feels a disconnect towards them, illustrating that solidarity between women and mothers is not a given.
Smothered by her own shame and guilt for giving birth to her suffering daughter, she avoids booking appointments or following the doctor’s advice. Almost like a mantra, she repeats throughout the film how she isn’t meant to be a mother.
The Viewer
This film, especially Byrne’s performance, has received praise from certain critics. Though her acting is commendable, her character’s behaviour prevented me, personally, from ever connecting with her.
Her ignorance and selfishness is made clear as she swears in broken Spanish to the unreliable repairman on the phone, even though his mother just passed away, and he has a distinctly Indian accent. Even though she is a therapist by profession, she shows little compassion for others all throughout the film.
Though she carries a baby monitor around like a teddy bear to ensure her daughter’s machine is still beeping when she leaves at night, she swigs down entire bottles of wine, smokes, does drugs, and crams junk food in her mouth. It’s obvious that she needs help, but it’s difficult to fully relate to her when she shuts everyone out, including the viewer.
If I Had Legs I’d Kick You examines in excruciating detail the physical and emotional exhaustion of motherhood by effectively alienating her from everyone. If she asks for direction, she gets locked out, and if she tries to offer her help, it’s never good enough. At one point, in a state of severe distress, she rushes headfirst into the ocean waves repeatedly, but the surf spits her back out onto the sand – even Mother Nature seems hellbent on pushing her to madness and collapse.
None of the other actors, even late-night show host Conan O’Brien, could salvage this car crash of a story. Though I think it is vital to represent the trials and tribulations of motherhood to raise awareness, the message felt disjointed and was presented in a narrow, tunnel-like silo that traps the viewer.
I understand that the point was to illustrate Rose’s crumbling home, family, and psyche, but to what end?
I, a young, childless university student with an immigrant background, perhaps was not the targeted audience for this film. However, it is my firm belief that no matter the story or its surface-level relatability, there needs to be at least one element that can resonate with any audience.
The film Ru does an incredible job with this. A family flees the Vietnam War on an overcrowded boat, suffocated by sickness, grief, and terror of the unknown. The parents are prepared to die for their children before allowing harm to befall them.
The cinematic representation of parents’ sacrifices in Ru is represented in a grounded way. We stand alongside the parents as they watch over their children. Despite being wrought with raw, powerful emotions like If I Had Legs I’d Kick You, the film manages to balance these with cinematography that allows us to breathe. Wider shots and calm, humanizing interactions where we get to know the parents as people, even during moments of silence, truly make them compelling characters.
If I Had Legs I’d Kick You doesn’t let us up for a single gasp of air; we are right in Rose’s personal space from the beginning. A decision was made to not even show Rose’s child, which shines an unrelenting spotlight on our protagonist. She is constantly oppressed by her senses and hallucinations, which we are forced to suffer through with her. We don’t get to know her beyond her struggles, which end up defining her. A deeper dive into the person Rose was before she became a mother, her own childhood, or the sacrifices she makes for her daughter could have been relevant.
The moment the credits started rolling, I bolted from the cinema, feeling nothing but a headache.
