‘“No matter what, you are one of us,’ was actually a jab at the university, meant to address the sheeple culture that plagues academic institutions,” Matt explained. “I figured they would just paint over it. But you know the U of O, always defying the conventional.”
It seems Health Canada is being run by toddlers. Names have been changed to protect the identity of the minors involved.
“The SFUO fully supports students’ right to smoke mouldy weed in the abandoned Brooks building,” the statement read. “All those who oppose this motion are obviously white supremacists.”
“I just… I just wanted to do my best to help these kids you know? I try so hard. I roll out of bed and come and stand in front of 300 students and ramble on about bonds and elements. But I didn’t know that my bond with the students was so non-existent” he sobbed.
The drivers were given OC Transpo swag, including a parka and thermos, which Watson explained: “(were) used to hold hot drinks, like green tea or hot kombucha.”
“I told my mom, if she can’t make the broccoli larvae, I’m moving out!” a first-year student, and off-campus resident told the Tomato. “I can’t go a day without it!”
The so-called “Page Runner” found in the Fulcrum’s latest feature, is none other than U of O president, Jacques Frémont. Frémont supposedly runs the page as a hobby of sorts and can frequently be found chuckling at his own memes at Board of Governors meetings.
Upon reaching out to Rivera for comment, the Tomato was told by her legal counsel that, “Ms. Rivera thought digging the tunnel would be a good floor bonding activity. Her intentions were innocent. If anything, she was doing those students a service, the manual labour helped some of them stave off the freshman fifteen.”
Now, the Tomato has become aware of what can only be considered the next logical step in both the utter democratic degeneration and persistently amusing decision-making of the Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO) and its handful of (former) executives.
“Richie Lachic made a killing from the old show. At least, I think that’s where he got the money.”—Waduma Fais, SFUO vice-president social and series costar.
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