Dear Di,
I want to save my virginity until marriage, but my girlfriend insists on sex. We are trying to compromise, and because I just can’t get enough of her ears, I was wondering if ear sex would be a legitimate option.
—Lobe Lover
Dear LL,
Ear sex, of course! It’s all the rage in… Well, nowhere. Sticking a dick—or most any object, really—inside of someone’s ear is generally a bad idea. In fact, I don’t recommend it at all, and I must admit, I doubt it’s even possible to penetrate an ear with a penis. Unless, of course, said penis is roughly the same size as a Q-Tip. Moving right along…
I’m sorry to report, but I really don’t think the “compromise” you’ve worked out is good, let alone viable. Ears, unlike pussies, are not built to accommodate cocks and therefore do not expand or get wet. There’s also the added problem of the eardrum, which might suffer some permanent damage if poked.
It seems that in your efforts to come up with a creative compromise to vaginal sex, you’ve forgotten entirely what it is to please your partner. If you thought slapping your sausage against the cartilage attached to the side of your girl’s head would make her moan—well, you’re quite mistaken.
I do applaud your ingenuity, but I can’t help but wonder: Whatever happened to some good old-fashioned oral sex? Why not give that a try? Mutual masturbation is always fun too, and the sight of your girlfriend paddling her pink canoe could be really educational for you—you’ll learn exactly where she likes to be rubbed and finger fucked.
I’m proud of you for sticking to your guns—if you want to save sex for married life, more power to you; however, I think you deserve a partner who respects that desire. If your girl keeps pressuring you to hand over your V-card, she might not be the right person for you.
Love,
Di
Dear Di,
My boyfriend is overly affectionate—he can’t keep his hands off me in public. He’s always trying to make out with me, but this is my first relationship with a guy and sometimes I find it hard to show affection when out in the streets. It gets worse though—my man and I were at my parents’ house last week and he literally rubbed my dick through my jeans under the table. This is really pushing me away and my boyfriend can’t seem to take the hint. How can I make him stop?
—Enough with the PDA, Already
Dear EPDAA,
When it comes to public displays of affection, there is a very fine line between precious and puke-worthy. It seems your boyfriend has set up camp in the latter territory, and it is your unfortunate duty to bring him back to the other side—and fast.
You need to sit down with your man and be honest with him. Explain that while you’re proud to be his boyfriend and you love that he’s clearly proud to be with you too, you aren’t entirely comfortable with making out on the street corner. Be clear you’re not embarrassed by him or your relationship—this is a simply a matter of good manners. Tell him what you are OK with and offer to compromise—more hand holding and quick kisses in exchange for tonsil hockey, perhaps?
I have to admit, I think the loving, touching, and squeezing in public is the least of your problems here. Your guy has difficulty determining what is socially acceptable behaviour and what isn’t, and he also seems to enjoy acting extremely inappropriately. A grope or two in a dark movie theatre? Perfectly fine. Massaging your dick while seated across from your parents at the dinner table? Not so much. You may need to have a serious discussion with your dude about your definition of the word “appropriate” and why it’s important he operate within those terms while in public with you.
Your boyfriend also seems hell-bent on pushing you out of your comfort zone. While there’s nothing wrong with encouraging a partner to think and act outside the box, your man isn’t being fair to you. Have you told him you’re still getting accustomed to being in a relationship with a guy for the first time? Add this to the growing list of conversations the two of you need to have.
If you don’t speak up now, it looks like you’ll have to turn those public displays of affection into a public display of rejection.
Love,
Di
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