Dear Ty

Dear Di,

I was hooking up with this girl the other week, and out of nowhere she stuck her finger up my butt. It’s safe to say that I was pretty shocked. I’ve heard about this kind of thing before but I never thought it would happen to me. What is it with women and men’s buttholes?

– Finger Invasion

Dear FI,

The simple answer is: The P-Spot. We all seem to know about the women’s G-Spot, yet we rarely talk about the men’s equivalent in the prostate gland. This greatly neglected erogenous zone is located about three-quarters of a finger within the anus and can be accessed through either the anus itself or the smooth skin between the anus and the testicles (this is called the perineum). Clearly the woman who initiated this act on you is well-educated in the art of love making.

While stimulation of this area can result in a powerful orgasm, it’s always a better idea to talk about butt stuff outside the bedroom first. So if your sexual partner reaches for your booty and you’re not feeling it, let her/him know. Unfortunately, some men will go along with many sexual acts that they’re not comfortable with, out of fear of offending their partner (yes ladies, men experience the same anxiety as us).

On the other hand, don’t knock it till you try it! It can be a bit daunting trying new things—especially since there’s a bit of a societal taboo on ‘anal’ activity—but don’t let that stop you from potentially enhancing your orgasm and overall sexual pleasure.   

Pro tip: If you’re uncomfortable with the idea of a finger up your behind, you can always ask your partner to go down on you. While they are down there, they can create a fist and place it right above the anus and the testicles. The act of rapidly vibrating this area can trigger an intense orgasm.

Love,

Di

Dear Di,

I have no issue getting erect on my own, but sometimes right before I have sex with a new partner my penis goes unexpectedly flaccid. If I’m in a relationship it will usually stop happening after the first few times, but I still have to ask: is this normal?

– Soft Serve

Dear SS,

It’s nothing to worry about if you’re unable to get erect every single time. There are a number of men who struggle with this issue and it really comes down to a matter of anxiety. Unfortunately our society places a high emphasis on performance, and this kind of performance anxiety can stem from a number of concerns including body image, fear you won’t satisfy your partner, and fear of premature ejaculation (among others).

When we experience stress during sex our libido declines. In men one of the effects of stress is constricted blood vessels, which makes it difficult to maintain an erection. This may explain why, after a few times, you have no problem staying hard as you grow more comfortable with your sexual partner.

Many people forget that sex is as much a psychological activity as it is a physical one. Our mental state has a lot to do with our arousal. One night stands carry a higher pressure to perform, since many believe they only have one chance to impress their new partner. My advice would be to take it slow and indulge in foreplay to get you more comfortable with this person.

Most importantly, try not to be so hard on yourself. Sex is not picture-perfect like in the movies. Real-world sex is messy, wild, and full of mishaps.

If you’re in a relationship, talking to your partner about your anxieties can actually bring you closer as a couple and relieve some of the pressure. Move away from focusing on what you’re doing, and just try to enjoy the experience!

Love,

Di

Sex position of the week: The Ball Holder

To my adventurous male readers—next time you’re masturbating grab your scrotum with your free hand and pull down right before you ejaculate. This way, you can feel the semen travelling all the way up as they approach the exit. Trust me, it’ll be a wonderful new sensation.