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The best places to eat in Ottawa when you’re plastered

Photo: Kim Wiens.

As midterms approach and students start to buckle down, livers across campus are rejoicing and taking a long-needed break. But alas, the academic madness will eventually end, and you’ll soon find yourself back on the streets of Ottawa, drunkenly staggering through Byward looking for something to crush that case of post-liquor munchies. Luckily we’ve compiled this list, so you won’t miss the best drunk eating experiences in the nation’s capital.

3 Brothers—124 Osgoode St.

Located two minutes away from the UCU, 3 Brothers provides delicious options for any drunk food lover. Whether you’re carnivorous, omnivorous, or an active herbivore, this sloppy, dripping, and insanely flavourful food option is guaranteed to hit the spot. For around $15, you can get a medium-sized shawarma, can of pop, and deliciously greasy garlic potatoes. But be careful if you’re planning on getting lucky tonight—your garlic breath may kill your chances at love.

Zak’s Diner—14 Byward Market Square & Dunn’s Famous Deli—220 Elgin St.

Who doesn’t love a good after party? If you refuse to go home after leaving the bar, gather your friends and walk on over to one of these amazing diners. Both Zak’s and Dunn’s are cheap, greasy, and offer other foods that are hard to find after midnight—like perogies.

You can hang around, grab a bite, and give your straggling bar hopping friends time to catch up. But be warned, this is not a place for the overly intoxicated. Although everyone has at one point puked in these establishments, management has recently been enforcing strict rules that prevent such shenanigans from taking place.

Smoke’s Poutinerie—407 Dalhousie St.

Considered to be the fine dining of inebriated eating, Smoke’s still has its ups and downs. Guests will undoubtedly have to wait a minimum of 15 minutes to get your order in, and maybe even longer to get their food. But don’t let that sway you. Nothing will be more satisfying than finally getting to chow down on a cheeseburger poutine at 1 a.m. It’s important to mention that any leftovers are a lost cause. Fries quickly get soggy the next morning and will be as appealing as a used kleenex.

McDonald’s—252 Elgin St.

I know what you’re thinking… how cliché. But let’s be serious: a $1.39 junior chicken or Big Mac at 2 a.m. is the perfect follow-up to that tequila shot you took at that last bar. This classic establishment will meet all your needs and then some. If you can get past the mystery stains and loud noises, this is the place for you. Cheap, quick, and tasty.

The biggest drawback of the downtown Ottawa incarnation of this iconic food chain is that it can get super shady (especially after midnight) and you’ll undoubtedly wake up the next morning filled with regret that you ate there in the first place.

Pizza Pizza—336 Rideau St.

If you can find me a decent medium-sized pizza for $5 elsewhere, let me know. Simply drunkenly stagger in, hand the cashier a fiver, and walk away with your pepperoni deliciousness.

As long as you’re careful to not burn your mouth on the first bite, you’ll absolutely enjoy this meal.