PISS BABY! YOU’RE A PISS BABY!
Germans have a word for men who pee sitting down: Sitzpinklers. I have a word for them too: heroes.
When I’m on campus and nature calls, unfortunately I must use a public restroom. As I enter the stall one thought will always enter my mind – why the fuck is there piss all over the toilet seat?
Are you just freehanding it? Pulling down your pants and unleashing the hose? Why didn’t you use the urinal that is three feet away from the toilet you just showered in your piss? Do you have some kind of aversion to a urinal? Why not at least have the decency to lift the toilet seat? Do you have no sense of decency?
I have a small bladder, I go to the bathroom frequently – I do not want to wipe up your piss. Maybe you do, maybe you love piss – couldn’t be me.
You know the last time I peed without lifting the toilet seat? I was eight – YOU ARE AN ADULT, NOW IS THE TIME TO GROW THE FUCK UP!
As the opinions editor of the Fulcrum, I often try to write my opinions in a particular format. I state my opinion, back it up with some facts and then go back to my opinion. I cannot believe I have to spend my time researching why you should not piss all over the toilet seat but alas; God gives his toughest battles to his toughest soldiers.
Talking about God, here’s a verse from the Bible:
Behold, I will bring evil upon thee, and will take away thy posterity, and will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall.
1 Kings 21:21
Now, I’ll admit this is out of context and has nothing to do with peeing with the toilet seat up, especially since the toilet wasn’t invented until 1775 – but I digress.
40 per cent of German men are sitzpinklers, and a whopping 60 per cent of Japanese men also take a seat when their river flows. According to MensHealth, peeing while sitting down is the healthier way to urinate. It allows you to evacuate your bladder much more efficiently – which is exactly why I almost always pee sitting down.
But I’m not even arguing that everyone with male genitalia should put their feet to rest when taking a wiz – the urinal economy would crumble.
All I’m advocating for is that if you must pee while standing up, please god, just take one second to lift up the toilet seat. And if for some ungodly reason you cannot remember to lift the seat up, maybe consider sitting the fuck down.
I’m tired of wiping up your piss, be better.
