Heckles

Kyle Darbyson | Fulcrum Contributor

OVERALL, I THINK it’s safe to say that this summer has been full of complex and provocative news items. Events like the military coup in Egypt, George Zimmerman’s trial, and Edward Snowden’s flight from the United States government immediately come to mind, and these stories understandably caught the attention of the media and the public. However, for a period in July, these kinds of elaborate and complex stories were pushed aside in favour of something that was obviously much more important: Kate Middleton’s vagina—or, more specifically, what was coming out of it.

The pregnancy of the Duchess of Cambridge dominated headlines as her due date rapidly approached and a barrage of predictably invasive media coverage followed. Every time the duchess stepped out in public sporting the latest fashions over her baby bump, “Britain’s finest” were close behind, creepily fixated on her swelling womb. The people of the world seemed endlessly fascinated by this affair as they eagerly held their breath for every pointless, uneventful headline.

Based on all this pandemonium, you would think that people were expecting the second coming of Christ to be born on July 22, or at very least, a sight that would resemble the birth of dragons scene from the first season of Game of Thrones. Instead, it turns out that Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge (the second most pretentious baby name of the summer after North West) is just a regular baby without any regenerative healing powers, laser eye beams or anything really remarkable at all.

Now, even though this sort of media circus is no better than the shallow, demoralizing TMZ-flavoured news coverage that people usually reserve for some young pop star or celebrity train wreck, certain individuals like to think otherwise. They are under the conception that Kate Middleton’s pregnancy was something historic or sublime, simply because she was carrying the heir to the British throne in her belly.  Well, I hate to burst everyone’s bubble, but that fact doesn’t mean shit anymore because the Royal Family doesn’t have any meaningful political power in the modern world.

Because of this, I can’t help but shake my head at the hundreds of people who waited in the sweltering heat outside of St. Mary’s Hospital to catch a first glance at a prince who will never be able to levy a tax, form a government, or declare a state of war. In fact, out of the thousands of other babies born in the United Kingdom on that same day, there’s a pretty good chance that at least a handful of them will grow up to be more important and influential than little Georgie boy.

But fans of all the coverage shouldn’t worry just yet. I’m sure Georgie’s first steps, first words, and first day at royal baby daycare will be chronicled live in excruciating detail via Twitter.

In the meantime, can we please get back to what actually matters?