Humour

Rules to live by in order to survive exam season

Kristyn Filip | Fulcrum Staff

Illustration by Brennan Bova

EXAM SEASON IS upon us, my friends, and anyone who says they couldn’t use a little help from a holy text is just kidding themselves. Follow these 10 commandments and you’ll be sure to prosper this December.

 

Thou shalt not cry in the library

Regardless of how stressed out you are, it is never acceptable to burst into tears in the library. We need silence in here. Take your sniveling self outside.

 

Thou shalt not turn the fifth floor of Morisset into a club

The fifth floor of Morisset has a nasty habit of resembling a scuzzy club during the month of December. Can we all agree to put a stop to this behaviour this year? If you feel the need to dance, scream at your significant other, or slop your drinks all over tables, please, check yourself. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

 

Thou shalt put no other plans above studying 

Every fibre of your being is telling you to put down the books in favour of attending the tacky Christmas sweater party your best friend’s old roommate’s cousin is throwing, but guess what? Exam season is about sacrifice. Clear your calendar, baby, you’ve got learning to do.

 

Thou shalt wear Gee-Gees sweats and Gee-Gees sweats only

Pull out those garnet sweatpants, grab your grey sweatshirt, cover your head in a toque or throw your hair on top of your head in a messy bun, and get to work. During exam season there’s no time to worry about whether your outfit is going to land you a spot on the Fulcrum’s Campus Style page.

 

Thou shalt not neglect thy personal hygiene and health

Wearing sweatpants for two weeks is acceptable, but not showering, shaving, or eating real food is not. You need to take care of yourself during the month of December, perhaps more than ever. Get enough sleep, eat some vegetables, and run some shampoo through your hair. You’ll look better, which in turn will make you feel better, which will boost your productivity… See where I’m going with this?

 

Thou shalt respect thy neighbor when studying

When you’re studying in shared spaces, leave your delicious- or disgusting-smelling foods at home. No loud music should be blaring from your headphones, and cell phone conversations should be whispered and less than two minutes long.

 

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s exam schedule

Sure, it sucks that your roommate is jetting off to Florida after finishing exams on December 14 while you’re stuck in Ottawa studying until the 22nd, but that’s the luck of the draw, my friend. Next year could be your turn to skip town early, and you won’t want to listen to anyone moan about their less-than-ideal exam schedule when you’re busy stuffing your suitcase with bathing suits.

 

Thou shalt remember thy writing materials (and other materials thou might requireth) 

Before heading to your exam, do a quick check of your bag to make sure you have everything you’ll need. Pens? Check. Calculator? Check. Student card? Check. Condoms? Just kidding.

 

Thou shalt not cheat 

You will get caught, and you will die. OK, so we’re exaggerating—you won’t die, but you’ll likely be expelled, or, at the very least, you’ll fail the class. Don’t want that to happen? Don’t cheat.

 

Remember thy exam days, and keep them holy 

The minute you get your exam schedule, grab your calendar and your agenda and mark the days down in a brightly coloured pen. The night before an exam—particularly an exam that starts at 9 a.m.—set your alarm clock, set your cell phone’s alarm clock, hell, set your roommate’s alarm clock if you have to. Do whatever it takes to get your ass out of bed and into the exam room on time.