The Tomato

This year’s SFUO by-election has had a surprise late entry. Illustration: Anastasiia Cherygova.
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Simon Drumpf promises to make the U of O pretty good again

The Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO) by-elections are in full swing, and there has been a surprise late entry—a bombastic populist candidate named Simon Drumpf.

Drumpf, a third-year business student, thinks the system is broken, and that he is the only one that can make things better.

“I’m the best candidate, everybody says so,” he said, before screaming “I have the best fucking temperament!”

In his platform, Drumpf rails against the excesses of the SFUO. “They all give out bribes in the form of free food from Pivik! Sad!” he tweeted out at 3:27 a.m.

The members of the student federation pointed out that Drumpf himself has been caught stealing from Pivik many times. When asked for a response, Drumpf simply said “wrong.”

Drumpf’s behaviour has been characterized as erratic by his professors, and many people on campus are surprised he’s getting involved in student politics.

“To be honest, we didn’t think he would run,” said Crancesco Faruso, vice-president communications for the SFUO. “He usually just walks around the University Centre muttering that he’s going to ‘make the U of O pretty good again,’ whatever that means.”

What that means, said Drumpf, is that he has some big plans if he wins.

“After the Gee-Gees lost the Panda game, Carleton students keep talking smack, but I have a solution,” said Drumpf. “We’ll build a wall to keep the Carleton students out, and we’ll make Algonquin College pay for it!”

He also wants to replace the health-care plan offered by the SFUO.

“My idea, when I think of it, will be so much better. It’ll be terrific,” said Drumpf. “The current plan is terrible, everyone’s getting pneumonia.”

At the recent by-elections debate, Faruso pointed out that Drumpf had actually voted in favour of the health plan at the last referendum.

“No I didn’t, just ask Calin Rovinescu! No one ever asks Calin Rovinescu, go talk to Calin Rovinescu,” Drumpf demanded repeatedly.

When Drumpf was asked how he would fix the SFUO, he had a wide range of responses.

“First off, I will fire off those fireworks,” he said. “And when I do I’ll say ‘you’re fired!’”

He also said he would deal with the cash flow crisis by reducing the amount of SFUO fees paid by wealthy students. “Just trust me, it makes sense,” he said.

Drumpf was quick to respond when asked about his opponents.

“First of all, some of them are wom—uh, I mean, unqualified,” he said. “I don’t have any specific arguments against the rest, but I am thinking of silly nicknames for all of them. What do you think of ‘Crooked Crancesco?’”

The other candidates for the SFUO by-elections were not interviewed in time for publication, since the Tomato decided it was unnecessary to give equal coverage to all the candidates, especially those who don’t spout off ridiculous statements on a daily basis.