The Tomato

Art: Kim Wiens

Committee advises one per centers to buy planet

The City of Dubai’s spending habits know no boundaries. Following the ordering of  jetpacks for firefighters and first responders earlier this month, the city has created a committee to find new and ridiculous ways to spend their riches.

The most daring proposal presented by a some of the city’s wealthiest citizens, is suggesting Dubai buy the entire planet. The group, called Dubai’s Economic Banking Takeover (DEBT, for short) has submitted an offer to the United Nations to buy the world. If this proposal is passed the entire world would be renamed Dubai.

Though there are many who doubt that DEBT’s proposal would go through, the movement is gathering traction within the city and has hired the most elite advertising agencies to encourage the idea.

The committee also offered several other suggestions to help Dubai get rid of its ghastly wealth. One recently accepted proposal is for real golden arches to be made to replace every McDonald’s sign in the region.  Soda machines owned by the fast food chain will also beginning dispensing chilled diamonds instead of ice.

Another proposal under review is the idea to create an actual Jurassic Park. The proposal has yet to be approved because members of the committee are split on whether they want Hollywood actors Jeff Goldblum, Chris Pratt or Sam Neill to oversee the park’s operations and be there to save the day when things eventually go wrong.

One proposal that was refused was the idea of paving the streets with gold. The idea was rejected after it was pointed out that the diamond encrusted tires of many residents would cause too much damage to the gold.

Dubai has also announced plans to make a space diving board.

This would include the creation of a deep water basin within the city and the development of a space program, since the diving board would be just outside of the planet’s atmosphere. 

For now however, proposals continue to be reviewed, and McNuggets will be enjoyed under golden arches, with an optional 40-karat chilled cola.