“Federation Forever” club quickly pivoted to asking GSAED for funding
In a shocking return from the graveyard of history, the University of Ottawa Students’ Union (UOSU) has reported they have received a club status request and funding request from a group of former executives from the now-disbanded Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO).
The UOSU has confirmed that the request was quickly and firmly denied despite protests from the group. The ex-executives, apparently missing the days of budget discrepancies and general dysfunction, sought official club status to apply for club funding. The group confirmed to the Tomato that their request was to host a “nostalgic yet forward-thinking reunion event.”
According to sources within the UOSU, the application was denied in seemingly record time, as the UOSU Clubs Committee was already in the middle of a meeting when the request was submitted. “I think we hit ‘decline’ faster than a cheque disappearing from an SFUO financial audit, which goes to show how fast we did it,” said an unnamed UOSU representative. “If they wanted access to student funds again, they should’ve just tried stealing a stapler. That’s worked better in the past for them.”
The proposed club, tentatively named “Federation Forever”, aimed to bring together former SFUO executives to “reconnect, reflect on the legacy of SFUO and totally not talk about the complete mismanagement of past budgets, that totally didn’t happen and it’s really funny that you would even bring that up because it didn’t happen.”
The reunion’s itinerary reportedly included a panel titled “Was it our fault? (Definitely not)” and a workshop on “Public Relations: How to Avoid the Press.” Despite an itinerary being confirmed, the group had stated they had yet to confirm a location, with multiple restaurants being rejected due to “a failure to meet adequate standards for a tasting event.”
Despite the UOSU’s rejection, the ex-executive remained determined. “We are not giving up our dream for a comeback!” declared a former SFUO executive. “A request has already been sent to GSAÉD [Graduate Students’ Association] to help us out! I know that our executives and their executives haven’t always seen eye-to-eye in a bitter feud that has lasted decades, but I’m sure time has healed those wounds … or at least all of those former executives are no longer present.”
When GSAÉD was asked to comment on this statement, they simply replied with a collective sigh coupled with a thousand-yard stare. One executive replied to the Tomato’s request for comment with an email which simply read “Not again.”
In an ironic twist, the former SFUO executives have turned to crowdfunding to finance their reunion event. “It would be inappropriate to mismanage other people’s money this time.” read the website. However, an early look at their webpage indicates that despite their best efforts, the funds are mysteriously disappearing.
Meanwhile, the UOSU further commented that they remain firm on its stance, with one member of the Clubs Committee stating “We’ve spent years trying to clean up after them. Recognizing them as a club would be like inviting a raccoon into the Elgin Street McDonald’s after the closure of the Rideau Street McDonald’s.”
Despite nearly seven years since their formal dissolution, the re-emergence of SFUO reminds students of one thing: some student government cliques refuse to die, no matter how much the student body wishes they would.
This article was initially released as part of the Fulcrum’s April Fools Tomato Pilot Issue.
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