TOMATO: Melting Ottawa snow banks reveal natural foliage of city and new discoveries

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SPECIALISTS PUZZLED BY NEW SNOW MELT PHENOMENON, QUESTIONS ABOUT NUMBER AND QUALITY OF DISCOVERIES STILL UNDETERMINED

Local Ottawa residents gave researchers a recent shock following the discovery of a new early spring phenomenon. Specialists are reporting dozens of calls claiming to have found a variety of items – including a frat member.

The discovery first occurred last Friday evening by tenants on Bank Street. “We were just walkin home, yaknow, kickin the last of the snow, yaknow, and all of a sudden we saw something glittering in those hills the plows make, yaknow” claims Sir Prise Fynd, a technician for numerous Bank Street pizza restaurants.

A small team of hobby metal detectors were then called in to examine the remnants of the melt, discovering three beer cans, a pee-wee soccer award, and what appeared to be a partially intact car bumper. All items were subsequently examined for weather related damage, revealing a state of “near-perfect cryostasis” as per lab reports.

Such cryogenic temperatures appear to have been present elsewhere, prompting investigation into the Sandy Hill region. First reports of anomalous discoveries occurred two days after the discovery on Bank Street.

Residents first found a pair of shoes stuck on the concrete by the local Quickie Mart, also left perfectly intact. After several hours, the snow melt gave way to a larger discovery — one Cleft Ehind, a previously missing member of the Gee-Gees men’s football team from 2017.

The Fulcrum reached out to members of Ehind’s team from the same year for comment, receiving notice that several members were “surprised he turned up” and that there was “concern Ehind would not be able to handle news of the Gee-Gees recent achievements.”

Sports specialists and therapists have been called in to assist Ehind’s recovery, preparing him for the next season and for the tenth year of his undergraduate degree.

“Honestly it didn’t feel that long,” commented Ehind, “but when I found out that we’d won Panda so many times, it puts things in perspective… I mean, six years in a row is a long time.”

This article was initially released as part of the Fulcrum’s April Fools Tomato Pilot Issue.

Daniel Jones

Daniel Jones is a third-year student studying History and English at the University of Ottawa. Starting as a contributor in his second year, he is excited to get to work as the editor for the Arts & Culture section. Between readings for class and his own personal backlog, Daniel is often scratching his chin and wondering if the curtains were simply just blue.

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